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Published September 12, 2013 More Info »
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Published September 12, 2013

The Bomb

 

NEWS FROM THE FUTURE 

 

Washington, DC—This fall's lineup of bombs was unveiled at a star-studded runway show at the White House. 

 

"It's hard to remember," said one centenarian in attendance. "But there was a time when bombs were instruments of widespread death and destruction." 

 

Fortunately for humankind, war has gone out of style. Bombs, however, are still in demand.  

 

The White House bomb show featured new bombs from top designers at Lockheed-Vuitton and Comedy Central Command, following the traditional alphabet theme.

 

A-bomb: Alleviates anxiety for all those within blast radius; replaces it with existential dread.

B-bomb: Blows body hair off targets, effectively giving them a Brazilian wax.

C-bomb: Formally renames any nation Clownistan. Citizens referred to as “Those Clowns.”

D-bomb: In a flash of light, a massive disco ball appears in the sky, instantly transforming conflicts into competitive dance competitions.

E-bomb: Everyone in blast radius put in state of ecstasy. Radiant energy remains in food and water supply for generations.

F-bomb: Electromagnetic pulse turns all public radio and TV broadcasts into an endless stream of Fucks.

G-bomb: All pants worn around thighs incinerated.

H-bomb: Educates everyone as to proper pronunciations and uses of the letter H. For example, batch and Bach are not pronounced the same. Mass confusion resolved.

I-bomb: Makes victims painfully introspective.

J-bomb: Manufactured in Jamaica; a kinder, gentler way to “smoke them out.”

K-bomb: All tanks and armored vehicles get molecularly reconstituted as Korean-fusion taco trucks.

L-bomb: Chemical weapon; makes everyone fall in love with nearest person for 72 hours.

M-bomb: A massive mushroom cloud releases actual mushrooms—shiitake, porcini, chanterelles. Delicious!

N-bomb: Incinerates everyone’s shirts and temporarily enlarges all nipples.

O-bomb: All things Oprah rain down on the oppressed women of target country. TV show. Free cars. Everything.

P-bomb: Permanently sears “If You Like Piña Coladas” into the subconscious of nation.

Q-bomb: In an instant, replaces all tiles in nation’s Scrabble games with Qs.

R-bomb: Weapon of Mass Aromatherapy. Leaves everyone in two-mile radius R-E-L-A-X-E-D.

S-bomb: Multiple warheads detach from main rocket to rain sex toys down on region.

T-bomb: Synaptic blast makes men put as much energy into tenderness as they do toughness.

U-bomb: Turns any hellhole into a university town, complete with anarchist bookstore and organic juice bar.

V-bomb: Educates all in blast radius as to the form and function of the vagina and female reproductive system. All female circumcisions in area instantly reversed.

W-bomb: Turns target nation into water park for the enjoyment of other nations.

X-bomb: Makes all victims pronounce a hard X in Mexico.

Y-bomb: Makes every song in nation's weekly Top 40 countdown the same song: “You Dropped A Bomb on Me, Baby" 

Z-bomb: Instantly raises the Zagat rating of target city’s restaurants. Food, Decor, Service—all elevated.

Asked which bombs the U.S. government might add to its arsenal, White House spokesman Max Flashpoint said, "If I told you that, every country in the world would know how we intend to punk them, and I'm afraid that is not an option." At which point he dropped an M-bomb and left the room in a cloud of mushrooms.

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