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November 24, 2015
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If your daughter brings home a pretentious college boy this Thanksgiving, you're obligated to pretend to like him. But if she compassionately brings home a family of Syrian refugees, you don’t have to stand for that. Here are 6 questions you should ask to help suss out whether this is a freshman fling or a fearful family from Fairouzeh.

If your daughter brings home a pretentious college boy this Thanksgiving, you’re obligated to pretend to like him. But if she compassionately brings home a family of Syrian refugees, you don’t have to stand for that. Here are 6 questions you should ask to help suss out whether this is a freshman fling or a fearful family from Fairouzeh.

1. Would You Like Some Pork?

If they say no because they’re on the 30-Day Halal Diet, it’s a dipshit college boy.If they say pork is not halal, but they’ll make an exception because they have not had a nutritious meal in over two years, they’re a refugee family. Kick them out.
2. What Are You Studying?
If they don’t answer because they weren’t planning on declaring before their 5th year, it’s a college boy.If they don’t answer because formal education was previously forbidden, they’re a refugee family. Show them the door.
3. What’s Your Biggest Fear?
If they say spiders, it’s a college boy.If they name a particular species of spider, the sound it makes, and the hours it hunts, they’re a refugee family. Kindly tell them they’re not welcome.
4. What Are You Thankful For?
If they say “just being here,” and you believe them, it’s a refugee family. Send them packing.
5. Who Are You Rooting For in the Football Game?
This is a hard one. If they say “to me, football actually means soccer,” it could either be a pretentious college student or a refugee family. So ask a follow up….
5a. Which Soccer Team Do You Like?
If they say Manchester United, it’s a pretentious college boy.If they say Tottenham Hotspur, they’re a refugee family. Forcibly remove them.
6. What Are Your Intentions With My Daughter?
If they tense up, silenced by the thought of commitment, it’s a college boy.If they say they are grateful to your daughter and this country, and hope to be close to both for the rest of their life, they’re a refugee family. Fuck ‘em.

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