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August 18, 2008


My hatred for Australia is not unpresidented. It does not stem from the catholic Mel Gibson or the short-flared ired Russell Crowe, ohh no. The Australian people are a people of proud, drunken, fist toting, broken dialectic heritage. their charismatic ramblings of incoherrent nonsense are charming and childlike. I do not have a problem with that.

However... I do have a problem with one thing.

Tonight my wife and I were out to dinner at a resturaunt. It was a fancy resturaunt and it cost a pretty penny I don't mind saying. We perused the wine list and a special feature caught our eye, 25$ bottles of wine. I frugily ordered a nice cabernet from our brother continent of Australia, the name not important (Big tattoo). We were submerced in ellegance, surrounded by formal attire, and drapped in affordable luggary, that is untill they brought out our selection.

Ahh yes, Big Tattoo, the name should have been a clue, this glimmering bottle of excellence, this impeckable tower of prestige, this trophy of indulgence was brought forth to our bone white linen tabletop. Alas, under the decadent soft lighting of candle flame and really expensive track lighting, our waiter propped the chalice behold our eye vision and proceeded to 'open' the cork?

To make a long story short, it was a twist off. How embarrassing, how degrating! How dare those outback kangaroo fuckers humiliate me in such manner? I could hear the snickers and sneers burst forth from my fellow patrons. I could feel the mortifacation linger in the air like a lousy love ballad belted forth from Bon Jovi himself. Those beggarly, bankrupt bushmen! those wallaby wanking wankers! How dare they make me appear poor in front of my own countrymen. Maybe in Sydney a twist top is the mark of exuberance, but in America it means big fat cheap ass.

Austalia, you may have debased me tonight with cheap allure of prudent shrewdness, but from now on I will never disparage my good looks with Australian grapes unless of course no one is looking.

Rot in Hell Austalia, our brother continent.