Full Credits

Stats & Data

5Funny
6Die
820
Views
December 08, 2014
Published
Description

test

Firearms manufacturers Glock and Smith & Wesson are currently competing for an extremely lucrative Pentagon contract that will provide the U.S. Army with 200,000 pistols. Here are some of the pros and cons of each of the handgun brands that the Pentagon will consider when making its decision:

 
Smith & Wesson
Glock
American-made, which means it likely won’t work much of the time and won’t kill as many people Compact design makes it perfect for juggling
Makes the average person feel 27% more like a living god when holding it Injection-molded casing ensures superiors won’t be able to tell how many times it’s accidentally been dropped
Pros: Easier to stack for games of Gun Jenga Admittedly looks really, really cool
People shot to death with this weapon will appreciate its time-honored, 160-year pedigree Lower decibel report slightly less likely to trigger PTSD episodes
More comfortable for snuggling up against while drifting off to sleep Will be delivered to the Pentagon in thoughtful gift basket arrangements, along with bath soaps, Winter jams, hollow-point rounds and fresh fruit
Higher stopping power completely obliterates hearts and minds, making them harder to win over Brand name sounds like the unfortunate byproduct of a chest cold
Standard pricing does not include mechanism that makes it appear as though spent clip is falling out of gun in slow-motion Barrel shape renders it only marginally functional for blues-style slide guitar playing
Cons: Easier to trace back to the U.S. government after it is used to equip a militant group that inevitably turns against the U.S. government Cold Austrian efficiency makes it harder to love, as you would a son or daughter
Despite manufacturer's claims to the contrary, will still be the vehicle by which the naiveté and innocence of innumerable young soldiers forever end in the blink of an eye Ease of use would make it the weapon of choice in a Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-style primate rebellion
Does not have even a fraction of the dynamic lyrical prowess of '90s Brooklyn rap duo Smif-N-Wessun Heft not satisfying enough to fill emptiness in heart

Pros:

Smith & Wesson:American-made, which means it likely won’t work much of the time and won’t kill as many people


Glock:Compact design makes it perfect for juggling





Smith & Wesson:Makes the average person feel 27% more like a living god when holding it


Glock:Injection-molded casing ensures superiors won’t be able to tell how many times it’s accidentally been dropped





Smith & Wesson:Easier to stack for games of Gun Jenga


Glock:Admittedly looks really, really cool





Smith & Wesson:People shot to death with this weapon will appreciate its time-honored, 160-year pedigree


Glock:Lower decibel report slightly less likely to trigger PTSD episodes





Smith & Wesson:More comfortable for snuggling up against while drifting off to sleep


Glock:Will be delivered to the Pentagon in thoughtful gift basket arrangements, along with bath soaps, Winter jams, hollow-point rounds and fresh fruit


Cons:

Smith & Wesson:Higher stopping power completely obliterates hearts and minds, making them harder to win over


Glock:Brand name sounds like the unfortunate byproduct of a chest cold





Smith & Wesson:Standard pricing does not include mechanism that makes it appear as though spent clip is falling out of gun in slow-motion


Glock:Barrel shape renders it only marginally functional for blues-style slide guitar playing





Smith & Wesson:Easier to trace back to the U.S. government after it is used to equip a militant group that inevitably turns against the U.S. government


Glock:Cold Austrian efficiency makes it harder to love, as you would a son or daughter





Smith & Wesson:Despite manufacturer's claims to the contrary, will still be the vehicle by which the naiveté and innocence of innumerable young soldiers forever end in the blink of an eye


Glock:Ease of use would make it the weapon of choice in a Dawn of the Planet of the Apes-style primate rebellion





Smith & Wesson:Does not have even a fraction of the dynamic lyrical prowess of '90s Brooklyn rap duo Smif-N-Wessun


Glock:Heft not satisfying enough to fill emptiness in heart


Advertisement
Advertisement