Reporter ~ We go live now to God Father's Pizza where President Obama has just accepted his very first job in the private sector as store manager.
Obama ~ I plan to fundamentally change this pizza join.
First, I want to thank my very diverse team of employees for their hard work and let all of you know that you will now be exempt from "Obama-care" and you will no longer settle for minimum wage but each of you will be paid 80 thousand dollars a year.
Second, It has come to my understanding that it cost us $3.50 to manufacturer a large, three topping pizza. As of today, we will begin selling those pizzas for $1.50. This tactic might send us into a financial downturn but I have already reached out to the Chinese restaurant next door and they have agreed to pick up any shortfalls we may encounter.
The little cheese packets that were handed out for free will now be sold for 20 thousand dollars a packet. All revenues will be distributed to the Middle-Eastern eateries on either side of us to insure safe passage of our clients.
And that brings me to my next item, as far as the Deli across the street, I suggest that they are going to have to go back to the pre-1967 lines. I realize this will only allow them to operate out of their bathroom but I'm sure they will do fine and prosper as the Middle-Eastern eateries take over the rest of their Deli.
Large pizzas ordered by wealthy Americans will be cut in half before delivery. Half will be delivered to the customer and the other half will be divided among the lower income residents along the way at no charge. It's just patriotic to spread the cheese.
Please begin implementing these new changes. I will be gone the next few months touring the city and apologizing to the other pizza places for us encroaching on their territories and see if I can't give them some free cheese packets. If you have any questions, you can ask my new Pizza Czar, The Hamburglar. He has the most experience in the pizza industry than any person I know and we will prosper with his guidance.
To keep my Wife busy, she will hold the hand of each child that comes in and order vegetarian pizzas for them to insure their parents don't fatten them up.
May God bless pizza, and God bless the United Restaurants of Obama World.