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Stats & Data

February 08, 2011

reprinted with permission from www.thecaucusrace.com

Shortly after his thrilling Super Bowl XLV victory, Aaron Rodgers went missing. Extensive and frantic searches throughout the locker room, his hotel, Dallas strip clubs and not a trace.

“They have these underground tunnels and chambers. I was shuffled, blindfolded, from one area to the next. I heard voices crying for help. I think Phil Simms is still chained to the wall down there. And maybe others,” Rodgers later acknowledged.

He claims that after being blinded and disoriented from the intense glare off of Terry Bradshaw’s head during the Lombardi Trophy presentation ceremony, he was grabbed by goons, gagged, and stuffed in a canvas bag.

Hours later, after a terrifying night of being delivered from one handler to the next, he found himself paraded through the streets of Disney World like a prized POW. “I was told act happy if you know what’s good for you. So that’s what I did.” Rodgers confirms that his feet were chained to the vehicle’s steel floor.

“These people are ruthless. And they protect their identity at all costs, parading around as ducks, dogs, and rats or whatever it was. What it is they want, I’m not completely sure. I’m just glad the ordeal is over,” Rodgers expressed, with sunken eyes and a thousand-yard stare.

“I don’t remember too much as I was kept awake throughout the night. I think they were trying to erase the memory of any of this. It’s all a little fuzzy… I don’t think they wanted money. They were more interested in a very strange, kind of cult-like ritual involving cheese. I’m not sure what was going on there.”

Over the years, the once sleepy backwater of Orlando has become a world capital of millionaire athlete abductions. “Mexico might be the capital of tourist abductions. But if I’m a recent MVP I’m keeping my eye on Orlando,” Says an FBI expert in the field, wishing to remain anonymous for fear of retribution.

Rodgers involvement with the Orlando outfit does not come completely out of left field. “Yes, I will admit that I had interaction with these people prior” to the abduction. “They filled my head with promises of lap dances from beautiful females named Bambi. I had the lap dances from Bambi, but they were not as promised. It was a nightmare no man should have to endure,” he revealed, fighting back tears.

With its balmy weather and tree lined streets, Disney World remains a mecca to tourists. But for the unfortunate few, like Aaron Rodgers, Disney World will always remain the place where “Your Worst Dreams Come True”.