On behalf of FaNasty News and the National FaNasty League, we are proud to present our semifinal edition of Around The League.
T. Green? = green
AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)
Thursday 12/15, 12:00PM - And then there were four. Four teams remain, and two wins separate each from a place in FaNasty history. As for their owners, all four may already be in the history books. Nearly a decade ago, Fox, D** S*****, B** J****, and T** P****** (along with a few other originals) all put forth their time and hard-earned money to develop a fantasy football league unlike any other. A fantasy football league with character, with integrity, and filled with entertainment. While they have remained friends throughout the meteoric rise of the league they founded, their individual competitiveness knows no sympathy. Don't fool yourself folks, these semifinals will be fucking war. There are four teams going into this playoff hell-hole with guns a blazin' and dicks swinging (we mean that in a hard-nosed masculine way), and only two will emerge from the darkness to fight once more for ultimate championship glory. We met yet again with league owner S** C******* to get his "Five Words" and keys to each semifinal matchup. Now let's make like jumper cables and start this bitch.
(3) Professional Blues v. (2) Legion of Doom
While both of these owners have had several words in the past, they are close friends and have grown to respect each other more and more over the years. Just don't expect to see any of that lovey dovey shit this weekend. Legion of Doom owner B** J****, fresh off a much-needed bye, will hopefully be at full force as he prepares to face Fox's PB Squad.
J****'s top draft pick and best player, running back Adrian Peterson, will be returning to the starting rotation after being sidelined for nearly a month with an ankle injury. We met with B** at the beginning of the week, and everyone was focused at their E** G**** facilities. When asked about what he needs to do to make it to the finals, J**** said, "Tough matchup against a FaNasty original...I'm praying Tebow-style for AP to return and no more early game injuries this week."
J**** should have a healthy Peterson this weekend, so I'm sure he will like his chances if all can remain healthy.
Fox has been making moves all season, yet the core of his Professional Blues club has remained in tact and has been the driving force behind their success. The question this weekend will be at the quarterback position. Fox met with us this morning and told us, "This game will be won at quarterback. [quarterback Mike] Vick is a lock. You're gonna have to wait until the weekend to see who the other starter is. Regardless, we are putting on our combat boots and going into this weekend to take what is ours. We're fucking hungry, and we're gonna eat. Everyone eats this weekend."
*S** C*******'s Five Words/Keys to the Matchup: Blues Lose, Turn To Booze. "As I get ready for my day today, ironing my shirt for work and drinking a hot totty (a combo of tea and whiskey), the best advice I can give to my old friend and owner of the PB Squad is alcohol cures all of life's problems (as philosopher H. Simpson once put it). And when the PB Squad's hard-fought season comes to an end at the helm of stellar play from Adrian [Peterson] and A.J. [wideout A.J. Green], I urge you to turn to whiskey to help curb the pain of defeat. Also, MJD is going to have a fourth of the fantasy output he did last week."
•Fantasy Matchup Projections — Professional Blues: 157pts. - Legion of Doom: 176pts.
(5) T. Green? v. (1) Bastard Mutants
D** S***** has always been at the top of the standings year in and year out, but this may be the first time that he heads into the playoffs as the team to beat. His Bastard Mutants have put together a memorable run following the Corpse Booty scandal that shocked the league just months ago. T** P******'s T. Green? club has been relatively under the radar all season long. As for the club's owner, he's been all over the fucking radar. P****** pulled off the upset last week, and this week he looks to punch his ticket to the finals.
We met with the ever-clever Mr. P****** yesterday for lunch to get his thoughts on the upcoming weekend. When asked what he thinks about his club sizing up with the Mutants, P****** said, "I'm hot right now. So hot. [quarterback Phillip] Rivers. Hot. [receiver Steve] Smith. Hot. [running back Steven] Jackson. Hot. [running back LeSean] McCoy. Hot. [tight end Rob] Gronkowski. Sexual. It's time someone beats this drunken, wing-sauced owner and his mutant squad." He also had a message for P Blues owner Fox. "I expect to do battle with Heroes next week. Best of luck my friend."
From smeared wing sauce to CorpseBootygate, from a pilgrim-outfitted Lewis and Clark speech to drunken bar tirades about "Labatty Ice," Bastard Mutants owner D** S***** has truly been through a fucked up series of events this season. We called S***** Monday afternoon, and the conversation was brief. The Mutants owner cut us off as we greeted him and said, "T. Green? and his band of prepubescent nancy boys will feel the true wrath of the Bastard Mutants in the impending days. Bow down to your master and prepare to be molested 'corpse booty style'. I hope we win." He hung up immediately after, leaving us to wonder what the fuck "nancy boys" are.
*S** C*******'s Five Words/Keys to the Matchup: Trent Green Go Fuck Yourself. "Ironically, the league's biggest bastard mutant is playing for the wrong team. Rob Gronkowski will continue to roll, even against God's new unbeatable team (move over Dallas, Denver's closer to heaven). P******'s club also should get standout performances from Steve Smith and dare I say [quarterback] Josh Freeman? (<-- there's a team name for you next year, loser). But despite all my animosity towards a team idolizing Trent Green, the powerhouse Bastard Mutants will get upset one week after their bye to P******'s subpar club (really? they were .500 going into the playoffs). Drew Brees should play great this week, but I don't think it's going to be enough to carry the whole team of S*****'s sexual degenerates. I would invite S***** to join me after the loss during my off-season of sexual exploits; but considering his fetish, I'm not offering him an invite. He can spend his off season digging up graves or bribing morticians or whatever he does to get his fix."
Fantasy Matchup Projections — T. Green?: 174pts. - Bastard Mutants: 179pts.