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February 03, 2015
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Republicans have left Obama nothing to do but troll them.

Hello, my fellow Americans. As you may know, on Sunday, I told reporters that I think parents should get their children vaccinated. The following day, New Jersey governor and presumptive Republican Presidential candidate Chris Christie announced that he thinks parents shouldn’t have to vaccinate their kids if they don’t want to.

Wow. Apparently vaccinating your children is a partisan issue now. I thought protecting our nation’s children from deadly but preventable diseases was the last thing all non-crazy people, Democrats and Republicans alike, could agree on. But I guess because I said I’m for it, Republicans have to be against it.

On the one hand, this is intensely sad. I didn’t want this viciously partisan atmosphere; I deeply regret whatever part my administration played in creating it.

On the other hand, this is going to be fun.

I can say anything — anything — and Republicans are going to have to stake out an opposing position. Here, watch. I, Barack Obama, am in favor of roads. I think we should keep having roads.

Chris Christie roads.jpg

LOL, sorry Chris! Goodbye turnpike! Time for some traffic problems in EVERYWHERE.

Don’t look at me like that. I’m a lame duck. The Republican party swept into power in the midterms on a wave of Obama hate. They’ve left me nothing to do but troll them. And hey, don’t mind if I do. Check this out: I, Barack Obama, don’t like having spiders on me. I do not think it is part of a politician’s job to be covered in spiders.

Mitch McConnell spiders firebug.jpg

OH MAN, look at Mitch McConnell! How do you like those spiders, Mitch?! Watch it or I’ll add scorpions to the mix! Oh wow, I used to be really nice.

OK, OK, one more, then I have to go coach Malia’s basketball team. I, Barack Obama, think people should wash their hands after going to the bathroom. I think that the government should regulate some things, and one of them is shit not getting into people’s food.

vaccines screenshot.jpg

GUYS THAT ONE IS 100% REAL. YOU CAN CLICK ON IT.

Ha ha ha ha! We are in real trouble.

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