Full Credits

Stats & Data

May 29, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

During a speech Monday, Mitt Romney said there are “two courses” for the U.S. to follow. "One is...to shrink our military smaller and smaller to pay our social needs … and hope for the best." "The other course," he said, "involves these," as he then produced two golden plates.

Justin Bieber has been accused of assaulting a photographer in Los Angeles while spending time with girlfriend Selena Gomez. The photographer said he'd never seen such angry girls before.

Over the weekend on a Miami highway, police shot and killed a naked man who was trying to eat the face of another naked man. Surprising many experts who thought the first zombie attack would be in China.

Democratic Party leaders continue to defend their choice to attack Mitt Romney and his work at Bain Capital. Keep in mind, the last thing they defended was students not getting hit with huge interest rates on school loans.

Chinese dissident Chen Guangchengat is scheduled to speak at the Council on Foreign Relations in New York City. Said Guangchengat, "You'd have to be blind to miss this night of entertainment! Hey now!"

Two Tibetan men set themselves on fire on Sunday to protest China's anti-Tibet policies. Interestingly they didn't seem to even be posing for an album cover.