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June 07, 2011

These people are in your office, ready to steal your sandwich and your soul, as we speak

  In honor of National Business Etiquette Week (yup that's real), I've compiled a list of 10 people you definitely work with.  Look around your office right now, your surrounded by these animals.  They want you dead.  Read this list if you want to make it out of here alive.  You're in God's hands now.

Thanks to my crack research/writing super team, Hans Strongborne & Vivian Feathertouch, for their essential input

(1)  The Scumbag:  This guy has a girlfriend, but he's still trying to fuck everyone else.  Generally, this asshole will cement his douchebag status by feasting on naive newcomers from out of town.  Any woman with any time in the office knows to steer clear of this guy during happy hour and company parties.  There's always one sweet girl that totally bought his bullshit when he came in.  This is her deepest regret.  Once he is essentially black balled in his office he will attempt to spread his seed through outlier departments like Human Resources, IT, and the Mail Room.  *Bonus Tip*:  Beware Temps: You are the number one victims of The Scumbag.  

(2)  The Midlife Crisis Guy:  This guy is really something else.  He's both sad and amazing, giving you something to laugh at every day.  Whether it's his Ed Hardy hat at happy hour or his terrible new Mustang, you can't help but feel sorry for the son-of-a-bitch.  The best part of this guys life is when he gets to wear jeans on casual Friday. In his head, "Did you see Harvey in those new jeans?  Oh my God he is sooooo cool."  In reality, "Holy shit did you see Harvey in those new jeans?  Oh my God he is sooooo lame."   The new found freedom from his recent divorce has spiraled him into a series of horrendous fashion statements and truly depressing new hobbies.  He probably "works" on his Harley every Sunday, whilst waving to completely uninterested and terrified young women.  This man is a menace to himself, but an absolute joy, to talk shit about, for everyone else.

(3)  The Snitch:  This bitch just can't keep her big yapper closed.  She hasn't had sex in forever, and if she has, it's been terrible.  It's a scientific fact that snitches have extremely dry, irritated vagina's.  This leads them to tattle on people, most notably women with non-irritable vagina's.  Nobody likes this person and she knows this.  She wants to ruin you.  She's bad, but not as bad as...

(4)  The Cunt:  There's one in every office.  She was born a cunt and will die a cunt.  She will talk behind your back, steal your job, your man, your stapler, and your life.  Get out of this bitches way.  No good can come out of confronting this sociopath.  She will eat your young for another rung on the corporate ladder. 

(5)  The Guy With Kids:  May God have mercy on your soul if you're cubicle neighbors with this guy.  Apparently, this asshole that's been in the Accounts Payable department for the past 7 years has the smartest fucking kid on the eastern seaboard.  "You'll never guess what my boy said yesterday."  Did he say, "Fuck you daddy."  If that's how the story ends, by all means tell me about what your kid said.  "Oh my God, he's already walking and reading and saying daddy."  I can do all of those things and more.  You don't see me bragging that I took a dump in the toilet.  By the time that little shit turns 20, the robot revolution will have pushed him and the other handful of survivors underground.  You think he'll be a lawyer or pro quarterback underground.  I don't see the NFL Surviving a technological holocaust.

(6) The IT Guys:  Whatever you do, don't interrupt the IT Guys.  The seemingly, eternally busy IT department will make sure to let you know that they are doing you a gigantic favor by fixing your computer.  Never mind, that's exactly what their job description is.  Do janitors complain about cleaning and do doctors complain about how injured you are?  "Fuck this shit, this bone is broken in like 3 places.  Fine, I'll do it, but this is the last time."

  What's always the first question when diagnosing your problem? "Did you try restarting your computer?"  No, because I want you to do your job and fucking fix it.  I don't know how to fix computers, that's why I'm not in the IT department.

(7):  The Happy Girl or The Case of the Mondays Girl:  This godforsaken person has a pep in her step from 9 A.M. Monday morning to 5 P.M. Friday close.  If you don't hide from this person you will be forced into life threatening small talk by the copy machine and water cooler.  Life threatening, due to all the stress her happiness will cause you.  Harboring such resentment is unhealthy.  That's why every Friday you get out of work you drink yourself to oblivion.  She is the cause of your alcoholism.  Don't blame her, she was born this way.

(8)  The Fiancee:  Lord, please take me now.  If you have to hear about her bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, in-laws, and motherfucking fiancee one more time you're going to murder-suicide this bitch.  "My fiancee took me out to the most romantic dinner.  He's perfect, I'm so lucky.  Don't worry, you'll meet the right guy someday."  You pray to God every night that he cheats on her.  You even have sadistic fantasies of being the home wrecker.  Whatever shuts this bitch up.   

(9)  The Ol' Dirty Bastard:  This guy is always telling the most dirty, tactless, unfunny jokes.  If he sees any girl, anywhere he will let you know that he wants to fuck her.  He does the finger-through-the-hole sign language gesture at least 15 times a day.  Chances are pretty damn good that he has an extensive porn catalog and he's somehow averted several sexual harassment law suits.  His penis is abnormally small and he's into really fucked up, specific porn, like girl on monkey bondage porn.  Stay away.

(10)  Sick Boy:  Sick boy is always sick.  He hasn't put in a full week in God knows how long.  He has given up on Mondays.  He's got a real "What's the point?" attitude and that's why we love him.  He hates this job as much as you, but he's totally given up on trying to mask his disdain for the hellhole you call an office.  He doesn't go to company Christmas parties or happy hour, because he learned a long time ago that these people are all lunatics.  Sick Boy is your number one ally.  He is the only person you can trust.  He will only confide in you if he doesn't already think you're one of the first 9 people on this list.  Are you?