Hey, y'all! It’s me, Chewbacca Mom AKA Chewbacca Mask Mom AKA the Lady in the YouTube Video with the Chewbacca Mask. I just wanted to reach out to my fans and confirm what you all probably already know: I run this fucking town and I can do whatever the fuck I want right now.
I bought a Chewbacca mask and made a video and now the regular rules of society do not apply to me anymore. I’m so fucking famous I could walk into the White House, shoot the President, rename the country “Chewbacca Mom-sylvania” and no one would do shit. I’m the fucking Chewbacca Mom.
Obviously, I’d never hurt the President. Or anyone. I’m still the same sweet mom from Texas that I always was. I’d never hurt a fly. Still, all you little bitches better fucking recognize that this is MY house now. If Chewbacca Mom don’t like you, you’re fucking gone!
Whatever I want is mine for the taking. The world is my oyster and I’m gonna fucking get up inside it. If I ask a production assistant on Ellen for a sandwich, they’ll fucking bring it to me. If I ask them for a soda, they’ll fucking bring it to me. If I ask them to cut off their own face with a pen knife and have Peter Mayhew, the actor who played Chewbacca, reenact my video wearing the bloody face flesh like a mask,, that’d fucking happen. I have millions of views. I’m the fucking Chewbacca Mom.
Once again, to be clear, I’m not going to do any of that stuff. I’m still little ol’ Candace. But you fools need to know who’s Queen Shit of Fuck Mountain around here!
I’m just gonna say it: I can fuck whoever I want.
That’s right. If I wanted a fourway between Ryan Gosling, Beyonce, and the guy who plays Hodor, that shit would happen! Not only would it happen, but I would be in the center of it! I would be the sun right in the middle of that orbiting fuck galaxy!
Of course, I’m not going to have sex with anyone. I’m a happily married mother who loves her family. Still, all the haters better know that I can get whatever dick or puss I want! I’m the Chewbacca Mom! If I want you on your knees, there better be a dent in the ground from how fast you drop down there!
Do you know who tweeted about me? The official fucking Star Wars Twitter feed! That means that if I wanted Sir Alec Guinness to appear in front of me like a Force Ghost and pound the ever-loving Midi-chlorians out of me, then the best minds at Industrial Light & Magic would raise that corpse from the dead and fucking make it so! I’m the Chewbacca Mom, bitch!
This is dawning of the Chewbacca Mom millennium.
Get used to it.