In a turn of events that may necessitate a reappraisal of the definition
of the phrase “turn of events,” Former movie star and California
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to having impregnated Huma
Abedin, the State Department official and wife of disgraced New York
Congressman Anthony Weiner and therefore merged two ongoing media media
scandals into one. It is a rare case of excess celebrity news resulting
in fewer stories.
The news was broken earlier today by an anonymous source close to
Abedin, speaking with Gretch Skitter of the online gossip magazine gottabef**kingkiddingme.com
Skitter reported the source as saying that the liaison between the
actor/politician occurred in a walk-in closet at the home of the
Austrian Ambassador to the United States several weeks ago during the
ambassador’s birthday party.
A spokesman for Schwarzenegger confirmed the news in a press release
hours later, also stating that “Arnold deeply regrets this recent
inappropriate impregnation.” Neither Abedin nor Representative Weiner
has commented on the news.
The revelation is slightly more shocking to most observers due to both
Weiner and Schwarzenegger recently being involved in competing tabloid
scandals regarding semi-nude and nude pictures sent to women through
online social networks (for Weiner) and extramarital affairs leading to
unofficial children (on the part of Arnold).
Dr. Clarence Turnipseed, a gossip philosopher employed by the TMZ
website says that this odd case of “scandal convergence” represents a
puzzling metaphysical/mathematical problem.
“As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin famously wrote, ‘everything that rises
must converge.’ When we have here is an example of the opposite effect –
two forces coming together as they sink deeper into the quagmire of the
ego,” said Turnipseed. “This is less a case of parallel lines meeting
and more one of two Rottweilers finding themselves fighting over the
same pile of kibble even though both have their own plentiful supplies
elsewhere – a pile of kibble that happens to be at the epicenter of the
When asked to clarify his statements, Turnipseed shook his head and said, “Ignore me, I’m high.”
There is no word yet on the sex of the baby, who will be born early next
year, though Abedin is reportedly referring to the unborn child as