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In a turn of events that may necessitate a reappraisal of the definition of the phrase “turn of events,” Former movie star and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to having impregnated Huma Abedin, the State Department official and wife of disgraced New York Congressman Anthony Weiner and therefore merged two ongoing media media scandals into one. It is a rare case of excess celebrity news resulting in fewer stories.


The news was broken earlier today by an anonymous source close to Abedin, speaking with Gretch Skitter of the online gossip magazine gottabef**kingkiddingme.com.

Skitter reported the source as saying that the liaison between the actor/politician occurred in a walk-in closet at the home of the Austrian Ambassador to the United States several weeks ago during the ambassador’s birthday party.

A spokesman for Schwarzenegger confirmed the news in a press release hours later, also stating that “Arnold deeply regrets this recent inappropriate impregnation.” Neither Abedin nor Representative Weiner has commented on the news.

The revelation is slightly more shocking to most observers due to both Weiner and Schwarzenegger recently being involved in competing tabloid scandals regarding semi-nude and nude pictures sent to women through online social networks (for Weiner) and extramarital affairs leading to unofficial children (on the part of Arnold).

Dr. Clarence Turnipseed, a gossip philosopher employed by the TMZ website says that this odd case of “scandal convergence” represents a puzzling metaphysical/mathematical problem.


“As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin famously wrote, ‘everything that rises must converge.’ When we have here is an example of the opposite effect – two forces coming together as they sink deeper into the quagmire of the ego,” said Turnipseed. “This is less a case of parallel lines meeting and more one of two Rottweilers finding themselves fighting over the same pile of kibble even though both have their own plentiful supplies elsewhere – a pile of kibble that happens to be at the epicenter of the American conscience.”

When asked to clarify his statements, Turnipseed shook his head and said, “Ignore me, I’m high.”

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There is no word yet on the sex of the baby, who will be born early next year, though Abedin is reportedly referring to the unborn child as “Weinerschnitzel.”
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