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June 10, 2016
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Jojo's beaus get competitive on and off the football field.

This was one of my all-time favorite Bachelorette episodes. It had it all. Drunk shirtless men groping each other in a pool, Dick Pastor Evan getting TWO bloody noses, sports getting out of hand, violence toward pool toys, threats of violence towards real boys, sociopathic whistling, more blood, wackadoo metaphors, and mostly, my darling Mad Chad.

We begin where we left off, with Lord Harrison telling Chad to go apologize and to “not use violence.”

Mad Chad: “Genuinely, I’m not here to start issues with any of you guys… I just want you to leave me alone. Don’t push me. Like, now, we’ve settled things, you know? I hope no one else has any issues. I hope the rest of this time here can be pretty cool, generally.”

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Genuinely, just leave me alone. There. I apologized. Things are going to be pretty cool now right?

Dick Pastor Evan: “Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology.”

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It’s not too late to say sorrrrrry. Missing more than just my v-neck…

Mad Chad: “Oh my God, dude. All right, I’ll give you 20 bucks. An apology for what? You tried to push me over.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “No I didn’t.”
Chad: “Like, you can lie all you want. You tried to push me over.”

Wells!: “I’ll say what maybe everyone doesn’t want to say. But the whole issue with this whole thing has been people feel uneasy in the house, and we all have to live here and coexist. I just want to make sure that everyone feels comfortable here.”

The guys agree to avoid each other and avoid violence. Chad goes off by himself to play with pool toys and this gif is absolutely mesmerizing.

The Pool Party

Jojo arrives and takes her shirt off, demanding all the guys take their shirts off. FINALLY AMERICA GETS HERS.

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Can you find Jojo in this meat-packing district?

Boxer James jumps in the pool in a suit.

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Look how light-hearted and jovial I am Jojo! My gimmicks don’t stop at limo arrivals!

Ali: “We’re in the hot tub, chicken fights, it doesn’t even look like 17 dudes competing for 1 girl. It just looks like all of us hanging out, having a good time, and occasionally checking out Jojo.”

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Kind of looks like 17 dudes competing for 1 girl…

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Best day of Damn Daniel’s life.

There are pool toys aptly shaped like pieces of meat. The guys do a synchronized dive into the pool.

Fantasies CAN come true.

Evan comes up with his face bleeding. Everyone blames Chad who says he was 100 feet away.

Mad Chad: “Apparently, Evan just bleeds thinking about me.”

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Good thing he has twenty bracelets to soak up the blood.

Jojo jumps up to straddle A-Ro-Bro. Jojo: “I have that like, little girl kind of excitement when I think about Jordan, but part of me also gets nervous because I honestly can see myself falling for him and I’m not sure if Jordan’s actually into me the way that I’m into him.”

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Classic little girl kind of excitement.

Did they black box Jojo’s butt?

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Jojo tells A-Ro-Bro she gets nervous around him, “You just were so like smooth and great, and it was so good so soon, and I was like, ‘Is this too good to be true?’ Like, I never expected to meet somebody so quickly and feel this comfortable and good and excited.”

A-Ro-Bro: “Well, it’s not an act. I hope you know that.” Is that what she said? Now I feel like it is an act.

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It’s definitely not an act for me to get famous and finally prove to my father that I’m not the runt of the family. Wait… I definitely never referenced any of that…

A-Ro-Bro: “That was an eye-opening conversation for me because I am starting to develop feelings for Jojo, and for her to not see that, that’s a problem. It’s not that I don’t want to be vulnerable, but that’s something that takes a little time for me. And I come off like I got it all figured out,and I don’t want her to think this doesn’t mean as much as it really does to me.”

Jojo gropes Damn Daniel and makes out with Robby.

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A little lower. A little lower. YES THE BELLY BUTTON THAT’S THE TICKET!

Jojo sits with Mad Chad. Jojo: “On our group date, I was fucking mad at you, remember?
Chad: "You’re talking about when I was like, ‘Seriously?’”
Jojo: “Yeah, what in your mind made you think that was a good thing to say?”
Chad: “My whole thing was like, if you had any interest in Evan, like, then what am I doing here?” Nice. “We’re just completely opposite ends of the spectrum.” Like, all spectrums.

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We’re opposite ends of the spectrum. I’m infrared and he’s ultraviolet! It just doesn’t add up.

Dick Pastor Evan steals Jojo from Chad again.

Mad Chad: “Seriously, it feels like middle school right now. Feels like ninth grade. Everybody’s just acting like children. You got bleeding, crying, sensitive guy with kids (Evan), and then you’ve got scared-of-people sensitive guy (Derek).”

Cool Tank Top Boyz reconvene. Damn Daniel: “Are you mad right now?
Mad Chad: "Yeah… She thinks I’m like, crazy or something because everybody’s making me come off like a complete jerk.

Derek to Jojo: “I moved bedrooms… I just could feel like, the negativity, and the like, stress."Jojo: "You’re kidding.”
Derek: “Somebody snaps that quickly, like–”
Jojo: “Do you feel safe in the house? Are you worried that, like, he’s–”
Derek: “We just don’t know. They brought a security guard in.”
Jojo: “Why is there a security guard in the house?”
Derek: “Because of that situation.”
Jojo: “I got you. Don’t worry.”
Jojo makes out with yet ANOTHER TATTLE!

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Yeah, I guess you could call the way I grabbed my pillow and teddy bear and ran away prett-ay sexy.

Mad Chad walks in on Derek shit-talking him. Chad’s confessional: “Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t even talk to Derek. I don’t know what his deal is. He comes off as such a ‘good guy’ but like, it’s obvious that it’s a weird fake act.”

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He’s such a “good guy” all “not threatening other peoples’ lives”.

Mad Chad confronts Derek later. Chad: “You spend the whole time talking about me?”
Derek: “No actually.”
Chad: “Sounded like it, man. Sounded like it was pretty much the only thing you talked about.” Courageous Derek throws Jojo under the bus.
Derek: “She brought it up, honestly.”

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Honestly it was like 10,000% Jojo. You should really take this up with her.

Mad Chad: “The whole thing with Evan and Derek, it’s like you got two guys right now that are just seriously just playing the like, biggest wussy card they can possibly play.” He kicks the flamingo pool toy.

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Chad calls Derek aside. The guys ask Derek if he needs backup and he painstakingly says no. We can see Marine Alex and Firefighter Grant peeping over Derek’s shoulder, itching to get in the game.

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Chad: “Look, whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend or whatever, it wasn’t me. I don’t know you. I barely talk to you. And honestly, you just keep bringing me up.”

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Look, whatever much handsomer, much buffer, much more charming guy easily stole your girlfriend because you were such a fucking pussy, it wasn’t me. So, we cool?

Derek: “It’s interesting that you start with ‘I don’t know who like me stole your girlfriend”… That right there is why we have an issue. I don’t ever come after you. You keep coming after other people and myself.“

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Just leave sensitive Derek alone!

Chad: “I’ve come after you?”
Derek: “Other people and myself.”
Chad: “You were going to run away the other night and act like you’re afraid. Are you afraid?”
Derek: “Yeah, dude. You flipped on people. I have no clue what’s gonna happen.”
Chad: “In what way have I ever physically confronted you?”

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In what way have I ever physically confronted you other than the fact that I constantly look like I’m seconds away from physically confronting you.

Derek: “Perception is reality, Chad, and everyone is perceiving everything you do every single minute. We come back and we hear about these misogynistic comments you’re making.”
Chad: “Is that your business?”
Derek: “Absolutely that’s my business because I care about her and what this experience is for me. From what I’ve heard from you from day one is not about you and her. This is about you getting in front of the camera. That’s what you said?”

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Perception is reality, Chode. Time is a flat circle. It goes round and round.

Chad: “Is that what it seems like?”
Derek: “That’s the first thing you said when we walked in here.”
Chad: “You walked in the door saying you’re already in love with her.”
Derek: “She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”
Chad: “I guess you saw her on TV watching every show.”
Derek: “Oh, I watched– why would you not watch the show?”
Chad: “I work and I live my life… All I want you to do is mind your own business. Live your own fucking life.”
Derek: “That’s why I moved away and tried to get away from–”
Chad: “Well, when you move away stop talking about me, okay?”

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Fucking losers watch this show. Live your own fucking life and under no circumstances disclose what we talk about to our girlfriend.

Rose Ceremony

Marine Alex: “Chad has made it very clear in person multiple times that he’s a piece of shit. So going into tonight’s rose ceremony, I am hoping desperately that this is the end of Chad.”

Roses for Firefighter Grant, Sensitive Derek, A-Ro-Bro, Luke, Robby, Wells!, Boxer James, Vinny?!, Damn Daniel!, Marine Alex, AND CHAD!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAH!!! Bye Santa Nick, Ali, and Christian.
Santa Nick: “Are you kidding me? This guy that can be physically harming to somebody else, and he’s still here.” Yep, that’s how lame you are.

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Joke’s on Jojo, she kicked out the only person with a real job.

Jojo announces they’re leaving LA and everyone’s excited to be heading to… Nemacolin Pennsylvania?

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Tha fuck is a Nemacolon?

Nemacolin Pennyslvania

Jojo: “It feels so good to be in Pennsylvania… I am so ready to just leave all that drama behind.” Yes, Nemacolin Pennsylvania will be just the ticket! She rides in a tiny plane.

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Face of pure enjoyment.

The guys are traveling via Jeep.

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Frontrunners sit in the front.

Marine Alex slides down the banister.

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Dick Pastor Evan: “We pull up at the Nemacolin Woodland Resort. It’s just manly, rugged. There’s something about it that I just really feel comfortable.”

Date #1: One-On-One with Luke

They’re in a dogsled on a dirt road. I didn’t know that was a thing. Jojo: “He’s beautiful, but he’s also a country boy. You know, I’m in his arms, we have this nice, cozy blanket, and it’s romantic.”

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I’M IN HIS ARMS. THERE IS A STRANGE MAN BREATHING DOWN THE BACKS OF OUR NECKS, IT’S GR8.

Jojo brings Luke to a wood-fire tub and makes him chop wood for it. Jojo: “He’s a man’s man… Oh my God, he’s in impeccable shape. I mean, what can you say? He’s hot.” Also hot is the tub, which Jojo puts a foot in and then goes, “Oh fuck it’s hot!”

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FUCK IT’S HOT! Hotter than me? YES LUKE NOW FUCKING PICK ME UP AND LOWER ME IN LIKE AN ELDERLY LADY.

Luke takes advantage of Jojo’s heat sensitivity to grab her butt while lowering her into the tub. Jojo: “I love that Luke is this beautiful-looking GQ model, but I know that there’s more to him than just that.”

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Back at the hotel, the guys are pondering what types of dates there may be this week. Marine Alex: “I hope I’m not on a two-on-one date. The only thing worse than a two-on-one date would be a two-on-one with Chad.” SOMEONE is going on a two-on-one with Chad…

They intercut shots of Mad Chad’s torso sunbathing with B-roll of a wild bear.

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Chad: “I am capable of going to the extreme if I have to. I think a fight probably wouldn’t go very well to the other guy. The day when I hit the door, if that would’ve been someone’s head, it would’ve exploded… I’m not gonna start anything, but I will be the one to finish it… It’s not a wise decision to poke the Chad bear.”

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The Chad bear doesn’t like to be poked. The Chad bear wants to do BABS and be left alone.

A-Ro-Bro: “At this point we’ve all kind of realized you’ll want to be on a date card, whatever that is, so hoping my name’s on it.” The guys realize that Chad and Alex were not called and are probably on a two-on-one. YES!!! A-Ro-Bro: “Alex is a real American hero. This isn’t just for us in the house that have to deal with Chad. This is for America. This is for everybody. He gone.”
Marine Alex: “It’s good versus evil.”
Mad Chad’s confessional has a different take: “It’s a grown man versus an angry child.”

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Back on the date, Luke gives a very long speech about his military history, losing friends, and how much it’s made him appreciate life. Luke: “I love the things in life, the moments in life that makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck.”
Jojo: “And what does that for you?”
Luke: “Moments like this when I can look in your eyes and know that you eyes are the eyes that I could be looking into for the rest of my life. That’s what gives me chills.” This seems sooooo scripted.

Luke’s confessional: “The greatest moments in a person’s life are the moments in which they step out of their comfort zone. If they’re skydiving, they step out of a plane. The moment at which a roller coaster goes over the biggest hill. And we’re having that moment. That’s one of the most amazing things about falling in love is that it doesn’t have to be forced.”

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If I’m skydiving, it’s the moment I step out of a plane. If I’m on a roller coaster, it’s when I go over the biggest hill. If it’s with you, it’s 69ing.

Jojo’s eating it up.

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Tell me more about how you’re dark and mysterious and have never smiled.

Jojo gives Luke the rose. They then have to walk through a crowd of one million women taking cell phone pictures of them. A band performs next to them and they make out for all the women.

The ultimate fantasy of having thousands of lonely women putting cell phone cameras in your face.

Jojo: “If tonight is any indication of what can happen in the future, I mean, I will fall madly in love with Luke.”

If tonight is any indication of all our future dates, I mean, I would kill myself.

Date #2: Group Football Date in Pittsburgh

Jojo walks the guys into a football stadium to meet “Big Ben Roethlisberger” who is a football quarterback, I’m guessing former quarterback. He brings out two more football players whose wives are big fans of The Bachelor.

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They’ve been waiting for this moment their entire lives.

Jojo describes the dudes to Big Ben including Dick Pastor Evan: “He’s a little smaller. Evan struggled a little bit. He’s just such a sweetheart.”

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Smaller sweetheart dives for and misses the ball.

I don’t know how she describes him as a sweetheart. He is creepy AF.

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We need a barrette for the little sweetheart.

A-Ro-Bro: “I played quarterback at Vanderbilt. I went on to play football professionally. I got a clear advantage and there’s 10 other guys trying to date my girlfriend. Of course those passes were coming a little hotter than maybe they should’ve been.”

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Fun fact, if A-Ro-Bro doesn’t touch his hair every five minutes he will self-destruct.

Vinny tackles Damn Daniel. A-Ro-Bro tackles Firefighter Grant. Jojo: “These guys are way more aggressive than I thought it was gonna be. I knew that they were competitive. But I’m seeing them take it to a whole other level.”

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That’s MY big red penis!

Coach Big Ben and Bachelor Nation sit back and relax, enjoying watching these idiots go at each other for our entertainment.

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Lol this is so not the easiest way to get laid.

They tackle each other in inflated balls. Robby: “Housemates are letting out some aggression on each other.”

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Is this football?

Boxer James elbows Musician James Taylor in the face and his face is bleeding. THIS IS THE BLOODY FACE THAT THEY KEPT SHOWING AS IF CHAD HAD PUNCHED SOMEONE!! So manipulative. This is only the billionth time they’ve tricked me.

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Definitely going to prompt a new song: My love for you is so deep it scars my faceeee

The medic tells James Taylor he needs stitches.

From the eye I can still see out of, everything looks hunky-dory.

They announce they’re going to play a game where the winning team will get to go on a date with Jojo.

Back at the hotel, Luke is not happy to be caught in the Marine Alex/Mad Chad tension castle and decides to pry. Luke: “What do you feel like started the difference between 26 people in the house, and somehow, you got off to be the one guy that was like, separate, or just what’s different about you than everybody else?”
Chad: “I think it’s just the fact that I was trying to be real. I’m not gonna be fake. I’m not gonna show up and talk about how pumped– ”
Luke: “So 25 people were just fake?”
Chad: “It seemed like it to me.”
Luke: “You showed like, just huge amounts of just anger, you know at certain points.”
Chad: “That’s ‘cause everybody was pushing me. There’s a line where you’re saying things and that I can’t get you to shut up, so the only way that I know and I think that I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you in it.”

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Should not have opened mouth.

Marine Alex: “You getting specific right now?”
Mad Chad: “I’m talking to you.”
Marine Alex: “We all want to get along here. The only thing that’s getting in the way of the house being–”
Mad Chad: “The only thing that’s getting in the way of me getting along with everybody in the house right now is you constantly spouting off your mouth.”

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YOU! MOUTH SPOUTER! SHUT IT.

Marine Alex: “How are you gonna blame me for how people don’t like–”
Chad: “Cause you’re the spokesman right now.”
Marine Alex: “You’re the spokesman for ‘Chad’s the shit.’”
Chad: “Tomorrow when you go home, things will be different.”

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The spokesman sits like a newborn baby for this altercation.

Marine Alex’s confessional: “No way in hell that Chad is the right guy for Jojo.” Mad Chad: “At the end of the day, it is all about what Jojo thinks, and I’m the one that Jojo wants. Alex knows (smiling). He knows.”

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The little angry child is well-aware.

Back at the stadium, the guys are getting into outfits for their game.

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Vinny: “We got a couple injured ducks on our team. Evan’s a little undersized.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “Do these go on upside down like that?”

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Dick Pastor Evan: “I feel dangerous! We are coming for the other guys and for her.” I feel like this Bachelorette journey is like a coming of age story for Dick Pastor Evan.

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Dick Pastor Evan “getting in the zone.”

A-Ro-Bro is playing quarterback on both teams, which doesn’t seem fair because then he always wins. The firefighter didn’t get an automatic win in his career-themed date. Can’t wait for the luxury real estate competition.

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Wells is actually really good.

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Dick Pastor Evan: “I spell ‘win’ E-v-a-n.” Someone tackles Win in the end-zone and he throws the football on the ground, victorious. Pretty sure I’ve never been less turned on in my entire life. HIS NOSE IS BLEEDING AGAIN! AHAHAHAHA!

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Then Gollem started humping the ball.

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IT’S MINE!!! SHE’S ALL MINEEEE!!!! MY PRECIOUS!!!!!!

His team ends up winning. Bet Jojo’s stoked on her bloody date coming up. Also bet A-Ro-Bro got blue to win to have less comp…

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A-Ro-Bro really wanted to take this lil sweetheart to the finals with him.

The losers are bummed.

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It’s like I got all these lucky tattoos for nothing.

The losers come back to the hotel. Luke continues to stir the pot. Luke: “Who feels like the absence of having one-on-one time with Jojo tonight is going to affect your chances at the next rose ceremony?”

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On a scale of a lot to a fuck-ton, how shitty do you all feel right now?

Meanwhile, the winners soak up their Jojo time. Robby: “In realizing how unhappy and disappointed I was after I didn’t get those dates, the emotions that I knew were there came out… I’m still hoping, fingers crossed, that that one-on-one’s coming up, so…"Jojo: "I can promise you we’re going to have a time.”
Jojo’s confessional: “He’s a man. He makes me feel sexy, and I feel like there’s something in Robby that’s going to blow me away.” She’s really into men’s men.

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Oh, there’s something in me that will blow you away all right.

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Make way for some real balls, balls.

A-Ro-Bro: “You’re only as confident as the last time you get to see Jojo, and the more time that goes in between getting to see her, the more doubt creeps into your mind.”

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A-Ro-Bro’s confidence is dropping, he almost forgot the hair check for a second!

Jojo is making out hard with everyone and their Mom.

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Tell me more about that time you ran away from Chad and told him to confront me instead.

She kisses James Taylor on his horrifying eye wound.

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This feels unsanitary.

Jojo tells A-Ro-Bro how much she wants him to open up AGAIN so A-Ro-Bro tells her: “I can see somebody that I can fall in love with. And it means the world to me.”
Jojo: “I love that you’re telling me this right now.”

I LOVE THAT YOU’RE TELLING ME EXACTLY WHAT I JUST TOLD YOU TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW.

A-Ro-Bro gets group date rose. His plan to bring the B-team to the finals worked.

Marine Alex and Mad Chad get their two-on-one date card. Luke, the under-the-radar shit-stirrer, is at it again!
Luke: “Chad, if it’s you that’s going home tomorrow, why do you think it would be you that’s going home tomorrow?”
Mad Chad: “Stupid question.”
Luke: “What do you think that Jojo needs to know about you that would have her have you stay here?”

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What could you possibly say to save yourself at this point?

Mad Chad: “I don’t know.”
Firefighter Grant: “Another two-word answer.”

Mad Chad: “You have a problem with me? You know what, from now on, who has a problem with me here?” All the guys raise their hands. Mad Chad tells all the hand-raisers to stop speaking to him.

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AKA raise your hand if you think you could take a punch from me.

Marine Alex: “I think she wants to get to know the real guy here. There’s two of us. We’re polar opposites."Mad Chad: "We’re polar opposites… You’re a whiny little bitch.”
Marine Alex: “You’re the most insecure person in this house.”
Mad Chad: “Leave me the fuck alone then.”
Marine Alex: “No one here likes anything about you.”
Mad Chad: “I don’t give a shit.”

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Was I NOT clear about not being here to make friends?

Marine Alex: “I can’t wait to see you go home cause you burned yourself here. You showed the entire world what kind of piece of shit you are."Mad Chad: "You want to go outside right now?”
Marine Alex: “I’m not going to instigate this. But I swear to God if you ever come at me again like you did the other night, I will fucking lay you out. I will lay you the fuck out, bitch.”

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I will lay you the fuck out, bitch, all over my calf. That’s the next area I need to lay out a tattoo. That chiseled jawline…

Is this the best season of The Bachelorette EVER???? Firefighter Grant keeps trying to get in on this brawl: “Someone asks you a question, you say two words and walk away, every time, dude. Cause you’re a coward.”
Mad Chad: “I’m a coward, Grant? Do YOU want to go outside? Let’s go. Get up then.”

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Everyone knows you have to say at least THREE words to not be a coward!

Wells: “Can I say something? Can I be the mouth of reason for a second?” Everyone ignores Wells. Chad gets up to leave.

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Can I say something? Can I just say something for a second? Nope? No one can hear me? Cool.

Firefighter Grant: “Like a coward, runs away.”
Mad Chad: “Come on outside then.”
Marine Alex: “Let’s just fight it out. That’s all that dude’s got. I can promise you tomorrow, this is gonna end for good. This energy that we all feel is gonna go away forever.” I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT FOR THIS DATE.

Date #3: Mad Chad vs. Marine Alex

Vinny: “Today is the day. The big two-on-one date with notorious Alex versus the notorious Chad.”
Dick Pastor Evan: “All the other guys think that Alex can put Chad away for good, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Chad comes home. Chad could just completely play some bizarre mind trick and be normal.”

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Notorious A.L.E.X. vs. Notorious C.H.A.D.

The guys discuss the day while Mad Chad listens surreptitiously, tossing an apple up and down menacingly. Dick Pastor Evan: Alex “really wants to kind of deal with business in the beginning, get it out of the way, and then get to spend time with Jojo, and I hope he’s able to do that.”

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Mad Chad jumps in: “You told him to have a talk with her before it all starts?”
A-Ro-Bro: “No, you want to join the conversation?”
Mad Chad: “No I’m good man.”
A-Ro-Bro: “Yeah, figures.”
Mad Chad: “JORDAN!” He points.

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JORDAN! What did I say about ever opening your mouth?!

Mad Chad gets in A-Ro-Bro’s face: “You think this is a show, and you think you’re safe for now, but one day this ends, and when this ends, you go home. And when you go home, you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house? I’m dead fucking serious.”

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You think I can’t find you? I’m a real estate agent. I literally know where you live.

A-Ro-Bro: “You think I’m scared of you?”
Mad Chad: “I think you should be.”
A-Ro-Bro: “All right, good one, tough guy. Please come find me.”

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Please come find me. A-Ro will protect me.

A-Ro-Bro’s confessional: “Once again, Chad is being Chad. He has mental issues. Who knows what’s gonna happen? We love Alex and uh, we know he’s a stand up guy so we’re hoping that Alex is coming home.” Alex is putting on goddamned American flag socks for this date…

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He’s Team America. Do you get it? It’s patriotic.

Wells: “This is gonna be a battle between good versus evil. I think that Alex is going to come out on top but he needs to keep his emotions in check. As long as he can keep his cool and just kind of let Chad self-destruct, I think this is probably the end of the Chad saga.” I just realized that this is where Bachelor Nation lost Olivia in The Bachelor last season, the two-on-one leading to a breakdown for the villain. I’m hoping Chad pulls through. All the guys sit in the same room waiting for the date and it’s awkward AF.

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Chad: “You ready for this Bachelor Nation?”

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Helicopter for scale

Jojo: “This morning I woke up feeling a little bit sick. Feeling uneasy and unsettled about what today was gonna be like and honestly just not knowing what’s gonna happen. Chad is a guy that I’ve had instant chemistry with, but there’s been a lot of drama following him. On the flip side, I have seen a very soft side of Chad. Alex is just a really stand-up guy. He is sensitive and kind. I like Alex. I think he’s great, but I’m not sure if we can take it to the next level.” She’s just not that into you dude.

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This morning I woke up feeling sick which is how you should feel anticipating a date with one of your future husbands, right?

They’re going for a hike in the middle of nowhere. Awesome. Are we going to get to see someone left on top of a mountain?

Mad Chad: “I don’t think Alex has any idea that he really doesn’t have a chance at this point… What we have I don’t think can be matched with anyone else’s in the house right now. This is like a one-on-one with me and Jojo where we basically just have this needy little guy trailing behind us.”

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Really don’t think it was necessary to give them machetes for this hike.

We get more bear imagery, representing Mad Chad.

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WHERE ARE MY PROTEIN SUPPS?!?!?! MWARHGHDGHGHG!!!

Marine Alex: “Guys like Chad I’ve seen my whole life. You know I’m a smaller guy, but like, I got the fight in me. If today is the last day that I ever have to deal with Chad and I get to walk away from this with the rose, I’m gonna be esstatic.” Not a word.

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I’m gonna be esstatic. Maybe I’ll get to have sess with Jojo!

The three of them sit awkwardly on a picnic blanket. Mad Chad: “You were go uh, float in the river? Yeah that’s like one of the only things we have in Oklahoma.”
Jojo: “That’s fun.” Yeah, Oklahoma sounds awesome.

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Jojo grabs Alex. Mad Chad continues his real estate metaphors in his confessional: “I don’t care at all that he went first. You know honestly, that’s better. Get the first out of the way. Nobody ever buys the first house they look at. Best advice I can give him is to mind his own business and not bring up my name. If he can do that, things will go all right. And if not, I’ll be taking his teeth home.”

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I even brought my teeth fanny pack.

Marine Alex: “This is all fake. How he really is in the house is just like, polar opposite… Right before this date, he literally was telling Jordan that he’s gonna find him after the show and go beat his ass… He’s verbatim said, ‘When I try to talk to someone, if they don’t listen to what I’m saying, at a certain point, I go from trying to talk to them to I just need to punch them.’”

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Yeah… but he’s so tall tho!

Jojo confronts Mad Chad about it. Mad Chad: “When you were in the house, were things just super smooth?”
Jojo: “No, girls asked me questions all the time, but never once did I say, ‘I’m gonna find you after this and kick your ass.’ Why are you smiling?”

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So you’re saying you’re not turned on by me threatening to beat the other guys? Interesting.

Mad Chad: “I don’t know what to tell you at this point.”
Jojo: “I’m disappointed cause I gave you a second chance.”
Chad: “I haven’t touched anybody since then.”
Jojo: “Yeah, but you’ve threatened to beat people.”
Chad (innocently): “So that they would be quiet. So that they would leave me alone.”
Jojo: “That’s not the way to handle it.” Jojo walks away. Chad throws his cup across the river.

Jojo: “I knew today was gonna be tough, but just out of nowhere I just got this like overwhelming feeling of emotion, and I know that like, Chad has really messed up since he’s been here and he’s rubbed people the wrong way, but I remember the fact that his Mom passed away six months ago, and maybe he’s just struggling, and I don’t know what to do.”

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Psychopath + Dead Mom Card > Little Angry Marine?

Meanwhile, Mad Chad whistles like a maniac and approaches Marine Alex. He lays down next to him. Chad (The Shining-style): “I’m not very happy with you. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.”

Chad: “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes, you know what I mean?” I do not.
Chad: “Did you even get to talk to her at all or did you just talk about me the entire times? It’s just unfortunate that like, I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.”
Alex: “ You have to talk about violence. You have to talk about trying to beat me up… The second you told me you were a Marine in this house, I thought we were gonna be best friends here and I handled myself accordingly until you went on ‘SportsNation’.” Chad was also a Marine?! The plot thickens.

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Just so you know I SUPES wish I could hurt you rn without getting in trouble.

Chad: “Wow, dude. You are still so angry. You are so angry about that. Like, get over it dude. Have a glass of milk, man.”
Alex: “Don’t like milk, don’t need anything.”
Chad: “Well, you should. Milk’s delicious.” Chad flashes that charming sociopathic smile.

Alex: “The type of shit that comes out of your mouth talking about me as a Marine and how I’m gonna be a bum in two months, how Jojo deserves better than me-”
Chad: “You back me into a corner and you get personal with me, I’m gonna get personal with you.”
Marine Alex: “Hay’s in the barn, dude.”
Chad: “Pigs are in the castle.” Wtf are they talking about? Is this some kind of marine code?

Jojo comes over to end the metaphor battle. Jojo: “Have you threatened anyone in the house?"Chad: "I mean it’s not 100% false. There have been things that have happened at the house.”
Alex: “This morning you threatened Jordan that you would go find him after the show and beat his ass.”
Jojo: “Is that true?”
Chad: “I mean, I may have said something that I shouldn’t have said, but like– you backed me into a corner, I had no option.”
Jojo: “Chad, I don’t think you are the person you say you are. I don’t think that the way you behave and resort to violence is something that’s acceptable. I don’t want somebody that threatens other people, who can’t get along with other people, and that thinks that physical violence is the way to solve things. So with that said, Alex will you accept this rose?” NOOOOOO NOT AGAIN!!!

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Alex, don’t get your hopes up. I’m only choosing you because I think you’re slightly less likely to kill another one of my boyfriends.

Marine Alex hugs Jojo, “Thank you so much. You just made my night, my day, my everything. I’m so sorry that you just had to deal with that right now.” Chad: “Is this? Am I getting pranked right now?”

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Back at the hotel, the boys rejoice as someone takes Chad’s bags, indicating the end of an era. They cheers to being “Chadless”.

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I’m drinking for the opposite reason.

Chad: “Wow. That’s crazy. She’s faking because I can tell the way she talked to me, I can tell the way she looked at me and the way she felt about me. She’s either an actress or she’s a complete bullshitter. There’s only two options there… I’m pissed. Alex lied. He told her I threatened people. You know what? Now I got to go fucking find Alex.” Chad starts his sociopathic whistling again. He’s hiking through the woods!

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Is that a bear or a man?!

CHAD’S KNOCKING ON THE HOTEL DOOR! CHAD RUNS HIS FINGERS DOWN THE GLASS! TO BE CONTINUED IN TWO WEEKS?!

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Never let go, Chad! Stay with us!

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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