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Um, OK guys. So I’ve been seeing this supposed “Cookie Monster” a lot over the past month and I gotta say, I’m not entirely convinced it’s really him. In fact, I’m damn near positive of it. I think this is someone else.

For starters, I’ve masturbated a ton to this new Cookie Monster. But the old Cookie Monster, the one I grew up with, I’ve masturbated to that guy three, four times TOPS. So already that’s a red flag. There is no good reason I should be this hard looking at Cookie Monster yet, here I am, typing this article from a Macbook floating six inches above my lap.

Equally alarming, this Cookie Monster doesn’t even look like he likes cookies!! I’m sorry, Sesame Workshop, but what you’re showing me right now is a puppet that clearly keeps it TIGHT. Look at him holding that cookie and not even eating it! The Cookie Monster I know doesn’t have that type of restraint. But this one looks like as soon as the picture’s snapped he’s gonna toss it right in the trash on his way to pilates. That is TOO FLAT A STOMACH for someone whose entire livelihood is based on putting away snacks.

Also, at the risk of being crass, this Cookie Monster has great tits. I don’t remember Cookie Monster having tits at all let alone GOOD ONES. And if we’re playing devil’s advocate, sure, maybe during the hiatus he got them done but honestly a quick Google search shows that the only doctor on Sesame Street is a pediatrician and NOT a plastic surgeon.

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Besides, if this Cookie Monster were gonna go to the doctor, it’d be for how he now has eyes both on his face and at the top of his head. But he doesn’t even look bothered by it! Cookie Monster NEVER had two sets of eyes, this I know for sure. Where I am supposed to look when I talk to him?! “Hey, buddy, my eyes are up here! AND ALSO UP HERE!” It’s terrifying.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wanna handle this next one delicately but, if this is the real Cookie Monster, where is the puppeteer supposed to stick his hands? Again, NOT TRYING TO BE CRASS, it’s just that by the looks of this photo there are only so many places he can go if he wants to make Cookie Monster talk. None of them seem like gentlemanly options.

Here is a side-by-side of the Cookie Monster I know and the Cookie Monster that you’re determined to shove down my throat.

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Sure, maybe after 45 years Cookie Monster finally grew into his body or maybe this is one of those She’s All That scenarios where the hot guy (Bert??) insists he can turn anyone into prom queen or whatever, but I’m not buying it.

This is NOT the same person.

Anyways, I’m not mad I just want confirmation that I’m right. This is like when they switched up the Aunt Viv’s on Fresh Prince and just expected we wouldn’t notice. I’m telling you guys, I NOTICE. But, to be completely honest, I actually like this new Cookie Monster better and he looks like a fun and sexy edition to the new season.

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