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February 05, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Pakistan plans to build an amusement park in the same town where Osama bin Laden was killed. Each attraction will feature a "You Must Be This Shot in the Face to Ride" warning.

Inmates out on work detail in Oregon rescued three boys from drowning in a river. And for good measure they shanked the river afterwards. 

The funeral for former New York City Mayor Ed Koch was held on Monday. It was attended by some of his closest friends: a sparrow, a wood sprite, and, of course, Owl King.

Researchers confirmed that Richard III's skeleton has been found underneath a parking lot in England. However, finding an old Dick in England isn't anything new. 

In Australia, a 14-year-old was arrested for posing as a medic at two hospitals. Or as Australian newspapers reported it, "Australia's Greatest Medic Arrested." 

Officials suspect that as many as 680 soccer matches were fixed. People are upset, as they can't believe something that boring could have been faked.

Sunday night's Super Bowl may have been the most-watched TV event in history. If true, it would knock the time Lucy Arnaz stole Hitler's skull from Jay Leno into second. 

Mitt Romney's son Tagg is rumored to be considering a run for the Senate. Or as Tagg Romney refers to it, the Place Where I'll Finally Punch Barack Obama in the Face. 

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's "ready to be the first human sent to space by Iranian scientists." Now he just needs to find the first Iranian scientist. 

The band Vampire Weekend unveiled the name of its new album title in the New York Times's “Lost and Found" section. It looks to be successful too, as they've been receiving calls from 1890, asking for its marketing idea back.  

Meanwhile, Fallout Boy announced a new album and world tour on Monday. To their credit, it's not like you can ruin the worst day of the week.  

Nicole Kidman admitted to using Botox in the past. Which explains why she was able to keep a straight face when Tom Cruise proposed to her.