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September 06, 2016

How in the heck did we get to the point where Todd has to have hologram Miles Davis drink a soda that makes teens' balls explode?

1) Tween Fest is back in a big way, baby!

Looks like we made it all the way to weekend two of Tween Fest. I gotta say that watching this show with my daughter, Kaitlyn, has been doing wonders for our relationship. She says that she likes the dad character, Todd, because he’s “dumb like me.” I know that sounds negative, but you gotta believe that it’s a huge step for us.

Anyway, Todd has got a brand new pep in his step because Spurge Energy Drink is the new sponsor of Tween Fest and they dumped a truckload of cash on the thing.

The man has got a new lease on life, just like when I got my knees replaced. As soon as the swelling went down, I told the wife that she was gonna have to drag me off the golf course and that unfortunately turned out to be all too true ‘cause a big, nasty crow spooked me in the middle of my swing and I threw my back out. I guess that big, nasty crow was just the good Lord’s way of keeping me humble.

The bad news is that those Dabbie Dudes are back as the opening act and some dang fool dared ‘em to replace their brains with lizard brains.

Honestly, they seem like good kids and it’s just a shame that they don’t respect themselves enough to keep their own brains in their skulls and not turn their pee-pees into stew.

2) I guess the other bad news is that a mean woman from Spurge Energy Drink is telling Todd that he has to make pound sign Spurge Explosion go virile by the end of the weekend or else she’s gonna sue the bejesus out of him.

Apparently the only reason that kids drink this stuff is ‘cause they wan their sacks to drop.

But now Todd has to make the ball drink go crazy virile on the internet? How in the heck are you supposed to make something go virile anyway? I mean there’s no rhyme or reason to the stuff that people are passing around, so I don’t blame Todd for just going up and screaming in a bunch of kids’ faces.

This stuff that’s popular on the web makes my head spin. I’m getting an email with a link to a kid screaming his head off about his friend Daniel’s shoes and the next minute, I see everyone in the office busting a gut over some woman on the local news whose apartment building just got fire. Then my nephew, real sweet kid, goes and pours his heart and soul into making a video for this rap song he made up about Burger King and it goes nowhere. I mean, the kid does the drum noises with his mouth and everything. It just doesn’t make any sense.

3) Dusty, who just made his vape teacher’s lungs explode out in the desert, shows up to the Tween Fest Vape Smoking Tournament.

I know it’s supposed to be a “competition,” but for all I know, Dusty just walked into the freak tent.

To be perfectly honest, I’m still not sure if I know what in the hell is going on with all this vapor stuff. Just when I think I got a handle on it, they throw some new slang word in there and I feel like I gotta start all over again. Like what in the dang heck is “juice?” Everybody in the vapor tent is talking about juice. There’s The Juice Twins and Dusty is falling in love with some girl named “Juice-teen.” I know they’re not actually puffing on fruit juice. Are they? Or is juice some kinda of super drug like that stuff that was turning people into zombies down in Florida.

Man, I can’t keep up with all these code words. When me and the family visited New York City last summer we were walking through Times Square, trying to find the M&M store before Kaitlyn had a complete meltdown and some guy asks me if I was “looking for Molly” and I told him yes because I thought that might the name of the lady M&M with the go-go boots and next thing I know my face is in the sidewalk and I’m getting handcuffed by an undercover cop. So, is juice steroids? Or is it really orange juice and I’m just overthinking this whole thing?

Anyway, Dusty smokes out or juices up or over twonks the competition or whatever the heck you wanna call it.

Then Dusty has to face off against a little vapor machine in the finals. The machine can make anything it wants out of the vape smoke, Dusty wins ‘cause he vapes from the soul.

And I guess what’s in Dusty’s soul is Quagmire from Family Guy? Might seem a little shallow, but I don’t mind, ‘cause I think that show is genius.

4) But now Todd has to set up a duet between a little kid rapper a hologram of Miles Davis?

First of all, this Petey Beats character is exactly like my nephew who does the Burger King raps that I was telling you about, except that Petey Beats is a brat and Devin is a real sweet, shy kid.

I’ve told his dad this before, but if Devin has to turn into a little monster for people to recognize how much talent he’s got, then they don’t deserve his gifts.

Anyway, this Petey Beats is supposed to do a hip-hop song duet with a hologram of that rapper Tupack Shaker, but some hologram company in Korea sends them a hologram of Miles Davis by mistake.

Man, if I could make a hologram band, I think I’d basically do The Traveling Wilbur’s, but I’d take out Jeff Lynne and put in Jimmy Buffett. I think Jeff Lynne was trying to push those guys too much, but if Jimmy was in there, he’d be all like “who wants a beer?!”

Anyway, Petey is peed as heck that Todd got the wrong hologram and if haven’t a moody teen wasn’t enough trouble, that mean woman from the Spurge Energy Drinks shows back up and tells Todd that Petey and the hologram of Miles Davis have to share a can of Spurge so that their pound sign can go virile. Thankfully, Petey agrees because he think that Spurge is gonna make his sack pop.

But like I said, Petey is peed as heck, so he ends up dumping the whole can of Spurge right on hologram Miles Davis.

The hologram of Miles Davis starts going all glitchy, but those kids love it the sick beats and Petey actually finds something to like about Spurge besides what it does to his junk.

Makes sense that the kids love freaked-out Miles Davis because all the music I hear Kaitlyn listening to is just ripped off from the old stuff anyway. I think that might be a chance for me and her to bond, but whenever I try to play her the original songs, she calls it “old man garbage.” I knew being a parent would be tough, I just never knew it would get this hard. Man, the things we do for our kids, huh?