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July 17, 2011

This is a fictional letter to a guy named Steven Colcomb's parents from Steven's roommate Ken Martin. In the letter Ken tells Steve's parents how well there son is doing since he moved to Las Vegas against their wishes.

May 2011

Mr. and Mrs. Holcomb,

Your son Stevie is one hell of a guy. He pissed away his half of the rent money again on a prostidude. With the frequency that they see each other you would think that he would cut Steve a break but then again Steve is usually drunk or to strung out on some garbage skag to haggle. I don't think Steves gay or anything, I just think he's depressed. To be fair, Royal is pretty clean as prostitutes go and has opened Steve's eyes to interracial sex which form what he's told me you totally frown on.

In Steve's spare time he likes to pawn my belongings and practice on himself with his homemade tattoo machine. He's been obsessing on it ever since he got out of county. As of yesterday Steve is still free of the H.I.V. Virus. As you may or may not know he is currently in a 6th month testing cycle due to his last girlfriend,”Ecto Crotch” (As I refer to her) coming back with a positive test. She and Steve have been incommunicado as far as I know since she secretly aborted their baby so she could continue to work at “Lucky's.” I told him that she actually did him a huge favor, she would have made a terrible mother.

Finally I would like to bring you up to speed on Steve's current employment situation. Two months ago he was fired from his position as a bellman at the hotel. I am however going to defend him on this one though. How was he supposed to know that showing children his penis in the hotel lobby bathroom was not acceptable behavior? I looked though the employee handbook and saw nothing that would make me believe he violated any standing policy.

As a result of the fine work ethic you instilled in your son, he has far from given up on his dream of making it on his own here in the “Silver State.” When Steve is not in the Clark County Jail he can usually be found making money on the strip. He is so creative! He went out and “got” an NYFD shirt from a second hand store here in town and uses it to guilt tourists into providing him with booze and money. Steve has this great rap where he holds up a cardboard sign that reads “Every little bit helps. New York Fireman permanently disabled on 911.”

I have attached with my letter a picture of Steve taken yesterday that I would love for you to circulate to your entire family. According to Steve you guys always doubted his ability to make something of himself and encouraged him to stay in college. If Steve was able to Speak coherently, or use his right hand anymore I'm sure he would love to tell you he told ya so.

Thanks for everything,

Ken Martin.