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June 24, 2016

Romeo & Juliet sucks. Period.

10 Reasons why Romeo & Juliet was the worst play ever

We’ve all had to read Romeo & Juliet one time or another. As someone who enjoys a casual read every once in awhile, I’ve never read a piece of literature that has as ridiculous of a plot or that has as dumb of characters than the play Romeo and Juliet. Let me break down the reasons why it sucked for you.

1. They literally tried to marry each other after just meeting

This wasn’t true love. This was some kind of teenager hormone powered, high school level love affair. People date years before marrying one another. But nope. Not them. They just wanted to tie the knot after one day. They barely even know each other. What if it turns out that they don’t like the same tv shows? What if Juliet doesn’t like The Office and Romeo does?

2. People are dying left and right for almost no reason

Critics often debate whether killing a character off in literature is due to a writer being lazy and just wanting to get rid of a character or if the writer planned the death to actually serve a greater purpose. That’s up for debate because Shakespeare steps up his serial murder game in this play especially. Like hard core. He murdered 6 characters to be exact.

3. This whole shit storm took place in just 5 days

Where can you find an entire detailed play that displays the greatness of true love? Well if you’re okay with two kids quarreling over mediocre love at first sight squashed in a plot that lies within a week, then Romeo and Juliet is the one for you. It took 5 days, from Sunday to Thursday, to explain how 6 people died over some kids’ horny burst.

4. Romeo switched love interests from Rosaline to Juliet in a blink of an eye

In the first scene Romeo was all sad and depressed that Rosaline dumped his ass. But suddenly, as soon as he saw Juliet, he switched love interests within a scene. The guys isn’t really in love. He’s just trying to rebound.

5. Romeo could have waited a couple minutes

If the dude waited like 5 minutes, Juliet would have woken up from her potion’s deathlike spell. If he did that, they could have ran away together and their love affair would have been less dramatic. That might have caused this this play to have never been written. But no. He just had to freak out kill himself. Spoiler alert: She was still alive, genius.

6. Juliet’s 13 and her family is already getting her married off

Even for that time period, that is a really young age. For the era this play was written in, although the age of consent was technically 12, the average marriage age for women was 23. That’s a full 10 years way too early. Romeo was 16 and the average age for men in this period was 26. 26 minus 16 equals pedophilia… Go on a date and get some ice cream instead or something…

7. And apparently it was normal to have children at that age too

Juliet’s originally planned husband, Paris, wanted to marry her and start to have a family almost immediately. At the age of 13? No thank you. If she can’t properly plan her own fake death without telling her lover so that he doesn’t overreact and thus make this play a whole disaster, what makes you think she can care for another human being.

8. What’s with the really fancy language?

A lot of plays would be written in a specific meter and have a specific structure. Shakespeare especially preferred Iambic Pentameter (which is how he wrote Romeo & Juliet). But because of that, he made reading the play just so much less enjoyable and more of a pain. Was it really that hard to write something like “I love you”?

9. Leo DiCaprio didn’t win an oscar for his role as Romeo in the movie

Leo helped turned this play from mediocre to watchable. He helped to save this sinking ship from capsizing (which he couldn’t do with another movie…). The entire cast was pretty good overall but I gotta give props to my boy Leo. Instead they won the oscar for “Best Art Direction”.

10. You have to read this play like at least three different times

Once in high school, a second in college, and a third when you’re older and for some reason have an obligation to read it again. Trust me when i say it doesn’t get better the next time you do read it. If I used sparknotes so I didn’t have to continue to read this play the first time, what makes you think I would enjoy it second time around?