How to Win Your Marriage in Five Easy Steps
So, you’ve joined together in holy matrimony. You are going to share
your lives as one, walk this world hand in hand, and clean each other’s
hair out of the bathroom drain. One of you is going to be way better at
this than the other and let’s face it; it’s her. If anyone were to win this
thing, she would. She’s smarter, kinder, and craftier… I could go on and
on, but you get the point. Never fear, friend! You’re not out of the
running just yet. You’re a fat dump, but if thoughts are things then in
your mind you’re a winner and to win, you’ll need to try hard and stoop
low. If you follow my five easy steps, you’ll never lose a marriage again.
Winning this will take your frail ego to unimaginable heights.
Unfortunately, there can be casualties; for example, your marriage.
Since she will be unaware that you are following these steps you will
come across as a rather shitty husband and unsavory character but
keep in mind that relationships, like history, are written by the victors.
What’s the point of a marriage if you can’t win it? So, if you’re still
interested in winning a competition with a vague point system and no
tangible reward, follow me. Onward!
1. Keep Secrets
Just because she wants to share her life with you doesn’t mean you
have to share the location of your booger wall (it’s in the foyer, I know).
Secrets build walls and walls are hard to climb. So if she wants to sack
this fortress of insecurities, she better start climbing.
2. Win At All Costs
You’ll need to win at everything no matter how “petty”. Nothing says
you’re the greatest than winning at things like board games. Flaunt
your superiority in any way possible. Chinese Checkers; dominant.
“Happy Sock” to throw pillow ratio; seven to one. Sex; who’s quicker
than you? Think of this like a boxing match. You’ll need to win every
round to win the match. Like Muhammad Ali said, “Float like a
butterfly and pee on the seat”.
3. Avoid Having Children
There is no bigger trump card than pushing out a living turd from
between your legs. She’ll never let you live it down. The kid’s whole
goal in life is to replace you. He has all of your strengths and none of
your obesity; better than you in every way. The only way to
counteract this is by being a barnacle on his life. If he gets a pizza party than
you get a pizza party. If he gets a kiss on the booboo than
you get a kiss on the booboo. She’s been telling all her friends you’re
her oldest kid for years (ha, ha, ha). Why not make her right?
Image is everything and yours is getting worse by the minute. If you
are like myself and every other American husband, your body is
disintegrating at a rapid rate and with the schlock you’re eating; not
crapping in your pants is a good day. Since you are going down with
this ship you’ll need to think about rebranding. It’s like anytime people
remember that Coca Cola causes cancer they put out a new can.
Obviously you can’t put out a new can but you can make your flaws
seem like an intentional characteristic. Is your back hair reminding
you of ZZ Top’s balls? Brag to her about how easily you grow back
hair. Does she know that your belly is full of feces and visceral fat and
not nutrients and electrolytes like you’ve been telling her? Go on a jog
with her and break out in a full sprint the moment you leave the door.
Prove to her that what she’s looking at is a choice and that you’re
always a physical specimen no matter what your soft body says.
5. Don’t Die
If all else fails, just out live her. Statistically you are going to die first
but it doesn’t mean you can’t come out on top even if you’ll be six feet
under. This one is hard considering how poorly you take care of
yourself but if you could just hold off that massive heart attack for one
more year. Maybe tough it out with the butt hole rot from the colon
cancer a smidge longer you’ll take this thing. How bad do you want
So, there you have it. Now you may be saying ‘Dave, are these the
“rules” of a man crippled with insecurity so deep that he slants his
view of a marriage as competition in order to set himself up for failure
in that when the marriage fails it’s because he “won” and not because
of his egregious flaws and behavior as a husband?’
David Dung is a writer from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is currently working on
his third novel and fifth divorce.