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November 24, 2014

Every relationship has a winner. Why can't it be you?

How to Win Your Marriage in Five Easy Steps

So, you’ve joined together in holy matrimony. You are going to share

your lives as one, walk this world hand in hand, and clean each other’s

hair out of the bathroom drain. One of you is going to be way better at

this than the other and let’s face it; it’s her. If anyone were to win this

thing, she would. She’s smarter, kinder, and craftier… I could go on and

on, but you get the point. Never fear, friend! You’re not out of the

running just yet. You’re a fat dump, but if thoughts are things then in

your mind you’re a winner and to win, you’ll need to try hard and stoop

low. If you follow my five easy steps, you’ll never lose a marriage again.

Winning this will take your frail ego to unimaginable heights.

Unfortunately, there can be casualties; for example, your marriage.

Since she will be unaware that you are following these steps you will

come across as a rather shitty husband and unsavory character but

keep in mind that relationships, like history, are written by the victors.

What’s the point of a marriage if you can’t win it? So, if you’re still

interested in winning a competition with a vague point system and no

tangible reward, follow me. Onward!

1. Keep Secrets

Just because she wants to share her life with you doesn’t mean you

have to share the location of your booger wall (it’s in the foyer, I know).

Secrets build walls and walls are hard to climb. So if she wants to sack

this fortress of insecurities, she better start climbing.

2. Win At All Costs

You’ll need to win at everything no matter how “petty”. Nothing says

you’re the greatest than winning at things like board games. Flaunt

your superiority in any way possible. Chinese Checkers; dominant.

“Happy Sock” to throw pillow ratio; seven to one. Sex; who’s quicker

than you? Think of this like a boxing match. You’ll need to win every

round to win the match. Like Muhammad Ali said, “Float like a

butterfly and pee on the seat”.

3. Avoid Having Children

There is no bigger trump card than pushing out a living turd from

between your legs. She’ll never let you live it down. The kid’s whole

goal in life is to replace you. He has all of your strengths and none of

your obesity; better than you in every way. The only way to

counteract this is by being a barnacle on his life. If he gets a pizza party than

you get a pizza party. If he gets a kiss on the booboo than

you get a kiss on the booboo. She’s been telling all her friends you’re

her oldest kid for years (ha, ha, ha). Why not make her right?

4. Rebrand

Image is everything and yours is getting worse by the minute. If you

are like myself and every other American husband, your body is

disintegrating at a rapid rate and with the schlock you’re eating; not

crapping in your pants is a good day. Since you are going down with

this ship you’ll need to think about rebranding. It’s like anytime people

remember that Coca Cola causes cancer they put out a new can.

Obviously you can’t put out a new can but you can make your flaws

seem like an intentional characteristic. Is your back hair reminding

you of ZZ Top’s balls? Brag to her about how easily you grow back

hair. Does she know that your belly is full of feces and visceral fat and

not nutrients and electrolytes like you’ve been telling her? Go on a jog

with her and break out in a full sprint the moment you leave the door.

Prove to her that what she’s looking at is a choice and that you’re

always a physical specimen no matter what your soft body says.

5. Don’t Die

If all else fails, just out live her. Statistically you are going to die first

but it doesn’t mean you can’t come out on top even if you’ll be six feet

under. This one is hard considering how poorly you take care of

yourself but if you could just hold off that massive heart attack for one

more year. Maybe tough it out with the butt hole rot from the colon

cancer a smidge longer you’ll take this thing. How bad do you want


So, there you have it. Now you may be saying ‘Dave, are these the

“rules” of a man crippled with insecurity so deep that he slants his

view of a marriage as competition in order to set himself up for failure

in that when the marriage fails it’s because he “won” and not because

of his egregious flaws and behavior as a husband?’


David Dung is a writer from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is currently working on

his third novel and fifth divorce.