This week’s tweets are on the verge of being cancelled.
i'm starting to think that this is the last season of America and the writers are just going nuts— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) February 13, 2016
Really, Netflix? You're gonna call one reboot "Fuller House" and not call the other "Gilmost Girls"?— Ally Hord (@hordie) February 20, 2016
If I were watching myself as a character in a movie I would probably be constantly throwing shit at the tv and screaming "STOP DOING THAT"— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 26, 2016
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) December 25, 2015
[spelling bee]— Floyd (@dafloydsta) February 11, 2016
Your word is 'pressure'
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
I think it's time we moved in together
Queen Bee:That ant attack was terrible— St Peter (@stpeteyontweety) February 25, 2016
Worker Bee:Catastrophic your Majesty
Spelling Bee: Catastrophic..C-a-t-a-s..
Queen Bee:SHUT UP KEVIN!
Girl, are you fine print, because I'm not going to pay attention to you until it's too late.— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) February 25, 2016
Life is so crazy. One minute you’re sitting on the couch doing nothing and the next minute you’re doing the exact same thing.— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) February 15, 2016
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 25, 2016
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
The flight attendant keeps saying "Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don't have flight attendants."— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) February 7, 2016
me: no one can hear you scream in space— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 9, 2016
my lawyer: u gotta stop saying weird shit to the judge man
[sees kid crying in grocery store]— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) February 19, 2016
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you're blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now— prodigy af (@ProdigyNelson) February 24, 2016
Son: Dad it's me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
How sure are we that it's gravity and not my mom's backhanded compliments that are keeping me down to earth?— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) February 5, 2016
Fun game: refer to it clunkily as "man-explaining" until a guy snaps and corrects you— Emmy Blotnick (@emmyblotnick) October 8, 2015
Transform your mood from day to night with going home!— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 22, 2016
VILLIAN: all this money is mine— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 24, 2016
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
gps: destination is on the right.— just an online guy, (@DiscoFruit) February 24, 2016
me: the bank?
gps: put on that mask in 1 minute
gps: take that gun too
gps: don't be a pussy
[first day at UPS]— ryan kirby (@ryankirby) February 23, 2016
me: i can't lift these boxes anymore
me: this is my
me: too weak notice
Waiter: how did you two meet— barknado (@Barknado69) February 24, 2016
Me: this is actually a blind date
W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET
In an ironic twist, Optimist Headquarters continually burns to the ground while The Center for Pessimism remains intact, if only half built.— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) February 26, 2016
SO embarased…thought sombody cute was staring at me so i stared back. but then i realized we were both just the negative space around a vase— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 19, 2015
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.— denise (@Stellacopter) February 18, 2016
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 17, 2016
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
all of my texts end with an invisible "and if I never hear from you again, so be it."— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 7, 2016
"What's your strategy to beat Hillary?"— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 22, 2016
TRUMP: I just need to capture the Millennial vote
"Ok, but how?"
TRUMP: … pic.twitter.com/F2Z3EC54Te
We should make a gold award statue that says "The President," and give it to Trump, and see if it works.— John Mulaney (@mulaney) February 24, 2016