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Published February 18, 2011

No visit to Sea World in Florida would be complete without a swim with the dolphins. If you've ever been fascinated by these loving, intelligent creatures, a 30-minute, interactive adventure in a dolphin habitat will create memories to last a lifetime.

If
you find swimming with a dolphin to be out of your price range, however, consider joyriding with a cuttlefish. While dolphins are regarded as second only to humans in intelligence, cuttlefish are widely considered the third – or maybe fourth – most intelligent cephalopod. While they don't have the social skills or personality of a dolphin, they can hot wire a car in seconds and simply disappear without a trace in the greater Orlando metropolitan area.

 

Imagine the excitement as you and your “cuttle buddy” cruise for a car in the vast parking lots around Sea World and Busch Gardens. You get to keep a keen watch for patrols on horseback as he uses his eight (that's right: eight!) powerful arms and denticulated suckers to break the steering column and cross-wire the starter solenoid to the battery.

 

After picking up three or four of his cousins and some malt liquor, your joyriding adventure begins! It's a great way to see parts of Orlando you'll likely never see as a tourist.

 

Since Sea World cuttlefish have not been trained to disable OnStar, your Cruisin' with a Cuttlefish adventure will likely end with a high speed police chase. Don't forget your camera as your cuttle buddy tries to outrun the cops, his ventral siphuncles heaving in terror, ink pumping like a geyser from the muscular sac near his anus. When the police finally spin the car out, he'll likely open his freakishly pointed beak and emit the most godforsaken squawk you've ever heard!

 

Like any frightened, helpless animal, he'll try to attack the officers with his poisonous saliva and they'll probably respond with deadly force, shooting him in the large, elastic membrane where he carries his nervous system. Later, Sea World chefs will prepare your cuttlefish as risotto al Nero de seppia, an Italian classic!

 

Note to parents: Cruisin' with a Cuttlefish is only for children over the age of 9, who enjoy stories about identity theft and prison life. And remember: cuttlefish are molluscs, not fish! They take this very, very seriously. This cannot be emphasized enough.

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