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August 10, 2017

There's a stack of dishes in the sink, clothes all over the bed and tensions with North Korea are at an all-time high. Here are some quick tips for tidying up your home despite impending nuclear war.

If you’re anything like me, cleaning is the last thing you want to be doing after a long day of work. By midweek, there’s a stack of dishes in the sink, clothes all over the bed and tensions with North Korea are at an all-time high. It’s hard to keep things neat when you’re exhausted and pretty sure you and all your belongings will become radioactive waste by the weekend. Here are some quick tips for tidying up your home despite impending nuclear war.

1. Make your bed as soon as you get up while reminding yourself that this is all out of your control.

Making your bed first thing in the morning is a productive start to your day that creates an early-morning sense of accomplishment. While you do this, softly whisper “this is out of my control” over and over because it is, it really is out of your control. There’s nothing you can do about it. The president will say what he says and North Korea will respond how they respond. Making your bed is in your control. This is your bed and you control it.

2. Put back the clothes you decide not to wear and appreciate the life you’ve lived up to this moment.

We’ve all been there - you’re hurriedly trying to pick an outfit and throwing the rejects off to the side. But try to take a moment to put back your clothes so you’re not creating a big mess to come home to. After all, this isn’t about the clothes. It’s about the seemingly inevitable pressure wave that’s gonna blast through your windows and singe off your skin, rendering all outfit decisions futile. But as you sift through those old shirts and old pants you never seem to wear anymore, try to remember the person you were when you did wear those old shirts and old pants. When it comes down to it, all you can do is appreciate the journey that got you here today.

3. Spray your shower with cleaner…“fire and fury”…I know, just try not to think about it.

Keep a natural (non-toxic, plant-based) shower cleaner in your bathroom so you can spray…okay, look, I get it. One unstable man is promising “fire and fury like the world has never seen” to another unstable man and frankly YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT ORGANIC SHOWER CLEANERS RIGHT NOW! Listen to me: We don’t know what’s gonna happen today, tomorrow or the next day. What we do know is that every day that you don’t use shower cleaner, soap scum, residue and dead skin cells are building up in your bathtub. Today, tomorrow and the next day. This we know, so let’s stop worrying about what we don’t know and just keep living our lives. Okay?

4. Do dishes as you use them and cut off all access to the outside world.

This one is easier said than done. When you’re running around your kitchen putting a meal together, it’s hard to wash dishes as soon as you’re done using them. Likewise, it’s hard to disable your internet, cable and phone as soon as you’re done quitting your job and telling your family they’ll never hear from you again. But trust me, when you’re eating a homemade breakfast burrito with your noise-canceling earmuffs, you’ll feel relaxed knowing that there are no dishes, New York Times notifications, Vox explainer videos or calls from your mother asking where Guam is. Make sure to wash your hands again before you eat to get rid of the dish soap chemicals.

5. Get a tiny mail sorter to…are you crying? Okay, let it out. There, there. It’s gonna be okay. Just let it out.

One easy way to avoid mail clutter…alright, now you’re crying. This is good actually, just get it out of your system. Tears offer a release valve for stress and anxiety that can kick-start productivity…you want me to stop? Okay, I’m sorry, just let it out. I know, I know. You’re right, it’s not just us. Mhm, South Korea and Japan are right in the crosshairs. But it’ll be okay, I promise. I’m here, we’ll get through this together.

6. Fluff your pillows whenever you get a chance…wait, now they’re saying he improvised the “fire and fury” bit? Oh what the actual fuck.

I find that a simple fluff of the pillow whenever you get up from the couch…hang on, what’s this? Trump improvised the “fire and fury” line? Oh fuck off. Is that supposed to make me feel better? That he “improvised” a threat to a North Korean dictator? Hey Trump, don’t improvise threats to North Korea! Don’t improvise threats to anyone! DON’T IMPROVISE! THINK! SPEAK! THAT ORDER! Now I’m mad. Whatever, just punch your stupid pillow repeatedly and then cry into it because this is FUCKED.

7. Build a bunker.

Repeat 1-6 for a tidy bunker.