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Published May 24, 2011 More Info »
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Published May 24, 2011

Geological Terms I never learned, and the definitions I'll make up for them:

1. Isthmus:  This is how a lisp-inflicted person says Christmas.  Tragically and poetically ironic, it is onomatapoeia for the snickers of the said person's tormentors.

2. Fjord:  This is when you skim through something and catch only part of a sentence when reading the whole sentence is important, but you retain the information anyway as fact.  Ex.  You read "Manure is a nutritious food..." but not "...for plants."  So you end up writing Emeril Legassie requesting he bam you up some Easter Shit Croquettes.  Go fjord your mother!

3. Peninsula-  Ok, breaking it down, "insula" must be from the Latin "insula" meaning island, from whence we get insulation, insular, and (believe it or not) island.  Pen must be like "penultimate," meaning "second to last" or, roughly, almost ultimate... like how Pennsylvania is almost a state.  So this word means "second to last insulation,"  like you wanna use Tyvek but you can't afford it so you have to go with the peninsular used asbestos.

3. Cwm- A cwm is a synonym for fjord, just to make things easy.  Also, if you are writing a love poem, it is a slant rhyme for "cum".

3. River-  I heard this once in like a Ghostbusters movie or at VLB headquarters or During a Black Mass or something, and it is what soon will run red with blood, so hopefully this isn't referring to my grandpa's face, because if he stays dead then my inheritance check will come through and I can afford to fix my Camaro's exhaust system.  That'd be great.

4?  Butte:  This is what I think Rice Krispies was going to be called.  In the salad days of the KU (Kentucky University?) KLUX KLAN, you signified your company's participation in the KKK using K instead of various other letters. This was so underground not even most of the bigots knew about it, which is why the KKK disbanded and didn't reform again til much later as The Grand Old Party.  So they changed the name and sealed the deal by featuring loveable white people on the box, and added symbolism by having them drown rice in pure white.
 

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