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August 31, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

At the GOP convention on Thursday, Clint Eastwood interviewed a chair as if President Obama were sitting in it. Eastwood was especially vicious in attacking the chair since it was related to the stool that put Hillary Swank in a coma.

In his speech at the Republican National Convention on Wednesday, Paul Ryan told the audience, "If you’re feeling left out or passed by: you have not failed, your leaders have failed you." Adding, "And I succeeded in making them fail."

Meanwhile, Fox News called Ryan's speech "an apparent attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies." Fox News understandably upset since they thought their record was untouchable.

In his speech at the convention, Sen. John McCain said, "People don't want less of America. They want more." "Finally, someone understands what I was going for," said the ghost of Osama bin Laden.

At the beginning of his speech, McCain remarked that he was hoping to be at the event “under different circumstances.” McCain referring to either being elected president in 2004 or that he just found out Sarah Palin was attacked by wolves.

Interestingly, Fox News canceled all of Sarah Palin's scheduled interviews on Wednesday night. Raising the question, why is Fox News acting so cool all of a sudden?

In Russia, two women were found murdered along with the phrase "Free Pussy Riot" written in blood. President Putin said he's putting his best investigators on the case to find who would write such an awful message on such an innocent building.

On Thursday, Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi called on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to step down from office. Morsi not realizing he can't be president of every country that removes a dictator.

Apple refused to publish an app that alerts users as to when and where a U.S. drone strike kills someone. Understandably, that could trivialize the act of executing people without trial using flying robots from a suburb halfway across the world.

After Ann Romney commented that "Modern Family" is her favorite show, the show's co-creator said she can do a cameo once gay marriage is legalized. To which Ann Romney said, "Polite quiet laughter."

MTV announced that the upcoming sixth season of "Jersey Shore" will be the last. Which doesn't give the Situation much time to die of AIDS.

The NJ Nets' Kris Humphries is being sued by a woman who alleges that he gave her herpes. Humphries isn't too worried, as women tend to give up on him after 72 days.

TV network FX has ordered 90 episodes of Charlie Sheen's show "Anger Management." No word how they plan to film episodes 12-90 once Charlie Sheen dies.