Full Credits

Stats & Data

October 30, 2017


1. You don’t.

2. You learn about diet and exercise, those two boring phrases, and extend your lifespan by 10 years.

3. You read so much that your eyes bleed out and your bank account gets so heavy it crushes you.

4. Your interpersonal communication is so affective that people inherently follow you and the cops bust yo door in looking for a cult leader. You’re riding around on your German Shepard smoking a bowl in the shape of an elephant, which is super suspicious, so they shoot you dead.

5. Books. Tons of books. All the books in Neil deGrasse Tyson’s library fall on you, like rain wherever you go, attracted by your keen sensibility and appetite for grammar. The bruises increase, and you eventually pass out on 62nd and Broadway, right near the Apple Store, where a line of iPhone 5 high income cumquats collectively sings, “Ewww”, and spits at you as you crawl towards the nearest gifted and talented hospital.

6. Mitral Valve Prolapse occurs and summons the body to a palpatative respite. Regardless and albeit of knowledge please increase your sodium intake.

7. Teachers from across the universe swarm and hive in your backyard, which grows into an activist colony expanding across three zip codes. These teachers demand taughting on all subjects, including on how to have better manners.

8. Finite shards of heat seeking Everclear, which you invented, populate the airwaves of popular downtown districts all across Kansas City. As per the test’s requirements, the droplets aim to plummet into the necks of residents, absorb into the blood stream, and render residents and shoppers gleefully drunk, shouting, “Horn dannit! I feel lyke I am in Kansas agaiyn!” This has no effect on your health at all.

9. Fifteen million soldiers of the U.S., Chinese, and Saudi militia surround your single story rancher, evacuating a three mile radius, in order to extract your knowledge on the secret societies of God, Currency, and the Paleo diet. You refuse to share your video cassette recording of The Secret. Your house is ravaged by bullets, gas, missile explosions, and fire. The three mile radius of destruction extends to five miles, and innocent lives are lost. You visit your mother and father in heaven. You whisper, affectionately, “Yo, whaddup?” They burst into tears and tell you how great Death is”.

10. Forget all about it.

11. 4,989 other ways to die from being educated.