1) Title Cards
Great. This part is about Michonne and we know it because of this super necessary title card.
A card that says “Zombie Who Gets His Damn Face Meted Off” would’ve been a much better sales pitch.
2) Fireproof Blue Paint
Thank heavens Carl used fire proof hand paint, then coated the entire house with fire proof paint just to be safe.
3) Fire Fighters
Guys. Sorry to interrupt your Mensa meeting, but Carl sat on lots of roofs. Who cares? Now is not the time to play Backdraft.What you need to do is extinguish your love for a kid who sucked but now is dead.
And a lot of good that did! Great job, team. Strong work all around.
4) ROOOOOAD TRIIIIIP!!!!
Rick is positively stumped, trying to figure out what Carl meant when he clearly said they should stop fighting with the Saviors. And when it seems like Michonne might have a lead on things, referring to Carl’s letters that would clarify exactly what he meant, Rick is like, “Not now. I need to talk to the trash lady. I own her.” Michonne seems less than thrilled about sharing a car with this self-proclaimed white slave owner.
5) The Trash People’s ‘Home Alone’ Trash Alarm
The Trash People use Kevin McCalister technology, and the only blue paint that apparently exists in the zombie apocalypse, to secure their trash trash perimeter.
Also, these weird zooms. They are very weird and also bad.
6) Another Title Card
Cool. This part is about Negan now. Thank you, title card. Good to know. And in case you missed the title card, Negan just said, “Balls deep. Nooks, crannies, and holes people,” so that should clear up any confusion on whether or not this is a Negan portion. Also, did Negan get a fresh cut?
I’m a free man in a non-zombie world and I can’t get a haircut that fresh.
7) Simon Doesn’t Get It
Simon simply does not pick up what Negan is throwing down. People are a resource! And saving them is super hard! Especially when you kill them all the time with your bat, it makes the whole thing very tricky.
8) Yet Another Title Card
Guys! This part is about Enid and I know thanks to the Enid card we just saw that said Enid. And there would be no other way to deduce such a subtle fact other than by watching this part of the episode and seeing it’s about Enid.
9) Enid’s Excuse
Enid’s excuse is not great. She’s going with, “That old lady made me kill her,” which is the oldest excuse in the book of excuses for killing an old lady.
10) Quit While You’re Ahead
Enid rolls the dice and talks shit to this person who could kill her. And when she doesn’t get killed, she CONTINUES TALKING SHIT. Take “yes” for an answer, you mopey asshole.
11) “Dude, Where’s Your Car?”
Aaron asks where Enid’s car is with the genuine authenticity of anyone who has been somewhere, wanted to get the fuck out, and been like, “Seriously, man. Where the shit is your vehicle?”
12) No, YOU Promise Me You’ll Be OK First
Wow. It’s almost like nobody can promise they’ll be OK in a world where everyone is constantly not OK. That’s crazy. Glad I was sitting down for that bombshell revelation.
13) Maybe The Dumbest Thing This Show Has Ever Done
Got it. While other sections have not been about Simon, this one is. THANK FUCKING GOD WE HAVE THIS NECESSARY INFORMATION.
14) Simon Needs An Apology
Simon needs an apology, Jadis. For that haircut. It’s a fucking disgrace.
15) Simon Slaughters
Well, golly gee whiz. Negan told Simon not to kill everyone and Simon killed everyone. I wonder if there will be repercussions for Simon doing exactly the thing Negan told him not to do.
16) I Hate This So Much
This part is about Jadis now. Who cares.
17) She Speaks
Jadis can finally talk and…Jeeeesus Christ. Let’s go back to the way it was before, please. I don’t like this at all. Talking about paints and canvases. Hard pass. I’d rather be annoyed by brevity than pissed off by substance any day of the week.
18) Rick’s Plan
Rick’s plan to bend some crap and run is rock solid. There’s no way anything can go wrong here. Love that when Jadis tries to tag along, Rick is just like, “Nah. *pop* Ricky G OUT.“
19) Hamburger Help Her
Oh. My. God. Jadis is making zombie hamburger meat out of her trash friends and this shit is nasty. Absolutely disgusting. Some of the grossest stuff we’ve seen in a while, that’s for sure. It’s enough to make a grown woman tired, then suck down a giant can of applesauce.
20) Rick Completely Ignores His Dead Son’s Wishes
Rick finally takes Michonne’s advice to read what his son had to write for him by reading a completely different letter addressed to another man entirely. Rick takes Carl’s message to heart and tells Negan about Carl’s last wishes then says none of that matters because he’s going to kill Negan. And when Negan tries to pump the brakes and say something nice about Carl, Rick doubles down on that murder shit. And when Negan tries to talk some much needed sense into Rick, about his actions that have resulted in death specifically his son that just died, Rick triples the fuck down down and says he’s going to stab Negan in the throat with his balls. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Enid EVER find her car? She thinks it’s somewhere in section B6 but she can never remember and never takes a picture when she parks. What happened to Jadis? Who cares? Nobody cares. Will Negan and Rick face off? Not next week. Or the week after that. Or the week after that. But maybe the week after the week after that. Maybe. Who cares. NONE OF THIS AND MORE next time on S08E11 of The Walking Dead.