Full Credits

Stats & Data

225Funny
61Die
13,930
Views
August 18, 2015
Published
Description

Connor Donner wants you to stop making fun of adult karate because it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

My name is Connor Donner and I am a PROUD student of Master Jens Helkman’s Karate School in Chatham, New Jersey. For the past five years I have taken adults-only karate classes at Master Helkman’s dojo space adjacent to Chatham Middle School. As another school year begins, I have a message for the students of Chatham Middle School:

This year you will stop fucking making fun of adult karate.

The doorways to our two schools are very close. Yours is a gateway to Western education and mine is a gateway to ultimate power. We frequently see one another entering our respective schools and for the past 5 years I have been mocked by you trolls every Wednesday and Friday afternoon. But 2014-2015 was the last school year I will allow all you little fucks to make fun of me on my way into karate class.

I hear you whisper that the site of a grown man in a full karate gi is ‘gross’ and my orange belt is ‘fucking pathetic.’ I see you snicker behind your hands and know you call me “Adult Karate Kid” as I enter the dojo. But this year, before you mock me, consider this: I know karate and YOU. DO. FUCKING. NOT.

I worked my dick to the bone for that orange belt. That orange belt means I could drag your ass to hell and back before lunch. So maybe reconsider before you mockingly crane-kick in my direction as I enter my place of study and worship. Master Jens may be from Sweden but do NOT get it twisted, he’s a karate master of the highest level and the skills I have learned from him are dangerous and deadly.

You know, I was young once. I get how insecure you are and how easy it is to turn the focus on to someone else. You little shit-suckers barely have pubes and need someone stronger and more resilient to be the butt of your jokes. Adult karate in general is the butt of many, many jokes in our society. But you know what isn’t the butt of jokes? Broken teeth. Shattered 2x4’s. Your face looking like a plate of sloppy meat lasagna with eyes. No one will be laughing when my fists, feet and elbows crack your skull like a hard-boiled egg.

You might say, “Conner, my dad has a gun. He’ll splatter your brains on the floor like a shook up soda if you threaten me with karate.” I say this to you and to your dad: Come at me.

I don’t care if you have one gun or one million guns, all the guns in the world are no match for karate. You can fire a bullet directly at my face and before the trigger is even pulled my training has kicked in. I am up a tree or barrel rolling right toward you and your legs are collapsing in a useless heap.

Tease me and I will find you. Mock me and I will hunt you. A major part of karate is the ability to be stealthy and hide for long periods of time. This summer I hid so well in the Stop and Shop on Speedwell Avenue that the store closed around me. I feasted on Good Humor bars and Bud heavies all night. My stealth is unparalleled. I’ll hide. I’ll wait. And I will waste you like the trash you are.

In conclusion, this is a threat, cold, plain and simple - just like a slice of ham. If you make fun of me on my way into karate class I’ll kick every limb off your body. Then I’ll make you look at your kicked-up body, kiss my ass and then I’ll punt your head in the nearest gutter. That’s a swear to heaven, Jesus and Master Bruce Lee himself. Stop fucking making fun of me and have a great school year.

Oh, also, I’m your new D.A.R.E. officer.

Advertisement