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August 29, 2016
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Every year at the MTV Video Music Awards it’s the same thing: A whole bunch of disgusting, arrogant, young people who make me so sick and horny.

Every year the MTV Video Music Awards come around on the Sunday night right before football starts and every year it’s the same thing: A whole bunch of disgusting, arrogant, young people who make me so sick and horny.

There was a time when the VMA’s were cool (Rage Against The Machine-era) and relevant (Rage Against The Machine-era) but when I watch now I usually just sit in my chair grinding my teeth with a full erection for three straight hours.

Here is some of the fashion from VMA’s night that, if you’re anything like me, will make you so angry you throw up and orgasm.


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Beyonce

Oh my God what is this? It doesn’t even look like a dress! She thinks she’s so cool and hot that it forces my crotch make a hard boner. It’s like, are you supposed to be a furry hairball or a sexy snow princess or maybe a unicorn temptress bound for my third floor apartment window where you catch me jerking off and tap on the glass, wanting to come in. If that happened I’d get so mad and horny just like I am now.


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Britney Spears

First of all it’s like, ew gross how old are you? You were popular when I was like, in COLLEGE! And second of all how do those pieces on your dress even stay in place?! It’s probably all taped and fake. Maybe stop trying to look cool by showing your sexy, supple, perfectly rounded shoulder. If I have to look at this any longer I will cum.


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Nicki Minaj

This dress is just a bunch of random holes where skin comes out. It’s so sick and stupid I don’t even know why I’ve been staring at it for an hour. My peter is about to pop and it will be your fault.


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Kanye and Kim

How are these two idiots even famous? I hate how you can be rich and famous these days by doing LITERALLY NOTHING. I’ve been looking for pictures of them every day for like 6 years and not ONE has made me anything less than angry and horny enough to burst. They are clearly SO fake it’s like, what do these two even say to each other by themselves at night? They’re probably like “Oh my god we’re so famous now let’s take our clothes off oh my what big boobies you have and look at how they move around and oh my what a strong penis you have and look at our supple supple butts and touch them tenderly but also firmly somehow. Let’s jump into a waterfall and bang so hard that both of us can’t see straight for weeks.” These people are disgusting.


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Chance the Rapper

I’ve never seen a farmer wear overalls THAT clean! Poser. What kind of name is Chance the Rapper, anyway? OK, fine, I guess people should just call me Opportunity the Assistant Coordinator of Partner Social Media Services. This guy and his outfit and his smile exuding happiness and positivity are making me so freaking grossed out that my stiffy might just pop through my drawers.


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Cassie

Um, try hard much? I’ve got a fashion 101 news flash for you: those colors don’t go together! Whatever, I’m gonna go on eBay and see if I can buy that jacket so I can rub my penis on it.


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Nick Jonas

Oh lord, look at this dumbass! This is the kind of guy who never got beat up in high school even though he deserved it. I wish I went to high school with him, I’d show him what was what. His young, nubile flesh crashing into mine as we wrestle down and into our sleeping bags at senior retreat. Him hushing my yelps of ecstasy and me pushing things further and further until he knows the limits of sexual euphoria. How does he not know how lame he looks?!


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Laura Perlongo and Nev Schulman

I don’t say this very much because I’m a staunch libertarian but I do think this woman should go to jail. And the man–who is actually dressed like a normal person FOR ONCE—should go to jail too for letting his (presumably! You never know with these Hollywood freaks, maybe they went out of wedlock to get impregnated by their lesbian hippy sister or something) unborn baby be exposed like that. This picture makes me horniest because I’ll never have a baby but it’s what I want most.


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JWoww

It just makes me so angry that people like this, people who I’ve hardly ever heard of, are revered and praised by the dumb American public. I’m never praised. Day after day I sit in my chair, rock hard, screaming at my screen while I clutch my little dinger and no one, NOT ONE PERSON, ever takes my picture. No matter how much I say I’m willing to pay on Craigslist.


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Fat Joe

Fat Joe looking good.

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