This week, 2016 GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson used the example of prison sex to state that homosexuality is a choice, saying specifically, “a lot of people … go into prison straight — and when they come out, they’re gay. So did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question.”

I can sympathize; I have long held the somewhat unpopular belief that being a complete and utter dumb-shit like Dr. Ben Carson is a choice.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and trust me, I’ve heard all the arguments against what I believe to be true about dumb-shits: that being a huge dumb-shit is a trait present from birth; that big-time dumb-shits are the way they are due to certain heritable components; blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m sorry, but I just don’t buy it. Colossal dumb-shits like Ben Carson 100% choose to live that lifestyle, and I think it’s disgusting and morally reprehensible.

And as much as colossal dumb-shits like Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, and other GOP stalwarts who hold similar views on homosexuality and gay marriage would like us to believe that they’ve been dumb-shits their whole lives, and that we should learn to accept them for the massive dumb-shits they are, to me it simply doesn’t add up.

What makes me suspicious of the whole thing is the idea that a doctor like Ben Carson — a neurosurgeon, for Pete’s sake! — can just become a dumb-shit overnight. Did he suddenly remember he was always a dumb-shit, and he just forgot (admittedly, that would be a total dumb-shit thing to do, but I digress)? The point is, it’s obviously a load. Of course he consciously chose to be a Grade-A dumb-shit! If you don’t believe me, think about it this way: A lot of people go into medical school really smart — and when they come out, they’re dumb-shits. So did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question.

How can you argue with that logic?! My argument about dumb-shits is just as cogent and fact-based as dumb-shit Ben Carson’s dumb-shit argument about homosexuality!

Of course, while we agree in spirit in regard to our ideals, Dr. Carson and I part ways when it comes to constitutional rights. Whereas he is espousing his views to prevent gay folks from getting married and enjoying all the privileges a state-recognized union confers to straight people, my battle has already been lost. Unfortunately, dumb-shits like Dr. Ben Carson have the same rights as anyone else, and are allowed to visit their spouses in the hospital, receive certain tax breaks, aren’t treated like second-class citizens, etcetera, etcetera. I’m sorry to say it, dumb-shits — even dumb-shits as dumb and shitty as Ben Carson — are considered equal to the rest of us in the eyes of the law.

Unless they are gay dumb-shits, of course.

Ben Carson image via Politico