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February 23, 2017
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Nordstrom employees gird themselves for battle.

NARAGONSETT, WA –

In a dramatic show of military might, the United States Air Force conducted maneuvers near the Nordstroms in Naragonsett, Washington today, presumably in response to the department store dropping a line of clothing carried by Ivanka Trump, President Trump’s daughter.

There were no signs of troop movements on the ground, suggesting that if the United States is going to invade Nordstroms, it will begin as an aerial assault.

Nordstroms employees were seen fortifying the loading dock with dumpsters and leftover Holiday materials such as plastic santa clauses, fake snow, and racks of red sweatshirts. “These items were not big sellers for us this year” said an employee who declined to be named as he hauled some clothing racks into position, “so if there is a war, we feel that these are expendable items and will not effect our bottom line for this year’s Q4.”

Although Nordstroms does not maintain a standing army, which would be in violation of the US Constitution, they have a very capable Loss Prevention team and state of the art cameras around the perimeter.

“Should the army move into the north end of our parking lot, which is where we expect them to go first since it is easily accessible from I-90 and there is ample parking available, we will have eyes on them,” said a store security officer. “And our energy-saving halogen bulbs in the lot produce a great deal of light at a very low cost, so we will be able to track their movements.” Team members also carry flashlights in case of a night operation.

No Guns Allowed On Premises

“Unfortunately,” said a Night Manager, “Nordstroms has banned all guns on these premises, so that is going to make defending ourselves a little more complicated. However, our team members have been eating healthy choice meal options in the store cafeteria for a few years now. So, we have a lot of energy, and are ready to do what’s necessary to make this a successful month.”

Ironically, one of the store employees, Assistant Floor Manager Olu M’bassu, came to this Nordstroms to escape a similar conflict in his home country. “I was an employee at Netflix South Sudan for many years, and saw much during the conflict with Blockbuster Uganda, so I am no stranger to the need to defend your store,” he said. “We here at Nordstroms Naragonsett are ready. We are focused. And we will prevail.”

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