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April 06, 2011

Jonny Carson wannabe.

4/1/11 Monologue
Lindsay loo whoo is at it again. Pictures of her falling down on the street in front of Motor City Bar two nights ago are prompting speculation about whether she is drinking. Hmm, let’s see, falling down…in front of a bar…. Nah. She actually was just in a hurry from having dined and dashed. Rehab is going just fine at the Motor City Bar.
And listen to this, a health clinic catering to the porn industry is under fire after personal information about thousands of performers ended up on a website. Yeah, I know, and the clinic is really getting flamed on the internet. And when I say flamed, I mean a burning sensation when it urinates. I kid, I kid the porn industry. Without porn, Al Gore wouldn’t have invented the internet, which allowed him to google a rub and tug. I kid, I kid Al.
In more worldly news, The Berlin zoo's celebrity polar bear, Knut, drowned after swelling of his brain caused him to collapse and fall into his enclosure's pool, experts said Friday. Animal rights groups have alleged that the bear was traumatized by living in a zoo environment. I might ask how many of these activists would claim they are traumatized if they had their own pool enclosure. Traumatized…pool side. I think Knut may have been traumatized desert side but not pool side.
And you may know that princess Harry is currently training in Norway with a group of wounded servicemen as they prepare to trek to the North Pole. Yeah he said that sleeping in a tent in the Arctic was not something he had ever planned on doing - but it was "nice" to feel the cold last night. Nice to feel the cold at night huh. Yeah, it got so cold he had to ask his servants to turn on the generator in his castle shaped tent. If you want to experience cold at night Hank…get married.
And lastly celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton is writing a children's book entitled The Boy With Pink Hair to be published in September. I just want to know how he found anything to rhyme with gossip blogger. I think it’s great that he’s teaching people not to be judgmental with allusions to hair dye. Powerful stuff. What’s next? Messages about racism via lip gloss?