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August 05, 2015
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The League is a new dating app for, well, wealthy people. We have a pretty clear idea of the types of people on it.

Have you ever been on Tinder and felt like you were in simply swiping through a sea of riffraff? How many times has someone messaged you on OKCupid and you’ve thought to yourself, “Is this a poor?” If these are the biggest issues in your life because you’ve successfully landed a stellar high-paying job and you’ve never been systematically discriminated against, boy oh boy, do we have the dating site for you.

The League is a selective dating app for ambitious and elite people who, as the website claims, “don’t need a dating app to get a date — you’re too popular as it is.” But, of course, why would these elite people spend time searching on their own when they can have someone else do the bidding for them.

The app then organizes big events in exclusive places like Montauk with an open bar and mingling games so people feel more comfortable talking about their money and reminiscing about Harvard. The app boasts every member is someone you can bring home to the “[pa]rents without flinching, we promise.” I mean, guys, we’ve all seen Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner!!!! It’s like a country club, but a sexy country club, get it?

Here is The League’s breakdown of users by profession if you haven’t already pictured this exact infographic in your head.

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The waiting list has over 100,000 people on it, so we weren’t able to sneak into the exclusive online club, but we have a pretty good idea of some of the profile we’d find. Here’s what we’re guessing.

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Name: Warner Huntington III
Alma Mater: Harvard Law
Hobbies: Fitness, Sailing
Dislikes: Women with ambition

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Name: Kathryn Merteuil
Alma Mater: Manchester Prep High School (yes, still in high school but very disturbingly sexually active for a young teen!)
Hobbies: Having sexual tension with her step brother
Dislikes: Virgins and anyone with morals.

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Name: Draco Malfoy
Alma Mater: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Hobbies: Following in his father’s footsteps, looking very Aryan.
Dislikes: muggles and halfbloods and anyone that doesn’t look like him.

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Name: Gretchen Weiner
Alma Mater: North Shore High School
Hobbies: Being the daughter of the inventor of Toaster Strudels, generally being wealthy.
Dislikes: Hoop earrings now that a prettier girl said she can’t wear them.

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Name: Christian Grey
Alma Mater: Not entirely clear, but lives nearby Washington State University Vancouver
Hobbies: Running vague publishing company and doing a lot of freaky sex things that you wouldn’t guess from his clean and crisp appearance.
Dislikes: Women having any sort of autonomy/consent.

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Name: Muffy Crosswire
Alma Mater: Lakewood Elementary School
Hobbies: Being the wealthiest Monkey in Ellwood City and getting her hair done a lot
Dislikes: Poors

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