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Published August 14, 2012 More Info »
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Published August 14, 2012

Paul Ryan plan for America Explained

 

A CITIZEN walks into the Paul Ryan Repair shop.  It looks fairly ordinary for a repair shop except there are a dozen heavily armed guards wearing full body armor and carrying excessive amounts of large caliber rounds of ammunition strapped around their chests.  Shopkeeper Paul Ryan is lovingly polishing a large 8 X 11 headshot of Ayn Rand.  He kisses her image passionately on the lips like a nun kisses her rosary and places the photo promeninatly on the counter so that Ayn can watch over the shop.

 

Citizen: Hello.

 

Paul Ryan:  Welcome to the Paul Ryan fix-it shop.

 

Citizen:  Can you help me with my watch?  It was my father's and my grandfather's before me.  It looks like it's kind of still working but it's running slow.  Maybe it needs a cleaning or replacement of a spring or something.

 

Ryan:  Oh, I know we can help you sir.  This is what we do best.  "Promote the general welfare" is part of our creed after all!

 

Citizen:  Great.  My father used to get his watch fixed here... and you’re right on my way to work.... so I figured I'd see if you could help me.

 

Ryan:  Let's see what we can do. 

 

Ryan takes out a gigantic comic book sized mallet with the word "LIBERTY" written on it and applies several savage blows to the watch and smashes it to bits.

 

Citizen:  What did you do????  That was my father's watch.

 

Ryan:   You have to understand that we, in this shop, believe that we are incompetent at doing our jobs. Markets do things better.  Now I suggest  you must take the initiative to go out and find some hard working entrepreneurs who know how to fix watches.  You can exercise your freedom to research them. You bargain with them.  Get competitive bids.  I hear the Chinese are really getting quite good at watch repair and I think that the Indonesians have 9 year old girls with very tiny fingers that you can outsource the fine detail work to.

 

Citizen:  (in tears) I just wanted to get my watch fixed.  

 

Ryan: No. No. Don't be such a dependent crybaby.  Here we have harnessed the power of competition and choice.

 

Citizen:  (trying to collect the tiny debris that was once his watch) But I ...I have to go back to work.  I don't have time to do all that.  I have to pick up my kids from school since they cut the bus service and I have to go to the UPS store because they closed the post office.  I just don’t have time!

 

Ryan:  You're not getting it.  At our shop we do something better than fix your watch.  This shop creates the OPPORTUNITY for your watch to get fixed.  We don't guarantee results.  Just opportunity.  (He hands the citizen a slip of paper)

 

Citizen:  (taking the paper) What’s this?

 

Ryan:  A voucher worth 15 % off on watch repair.  I think some shops will honor it.  Maybe.  Repair shops are more likely to take it if you wear an American flag lapel pin.

 

Citizen:  This is ridiculous.  I have to find a shop that fixes watches and takes the voucher?  That’s going to take even longer!  I can't really afford to take time off work ... I just wanted YOU to fix the watch.  WHY DID YOU TAKE MY MONEY IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIX MY WATCH?

 

Ryan:  My point exactly.  This repair shop is inherently wasteful.  Why do you think I fired all the watch repair staff?  To save YOU money!  Didn't you notice how much lower our fees have been lately?  I signed a pledge never to raise fees again.  And I meant it!

 

Citizen: Couldn’t you have hired a few less guys with guns and kept on a couple of repair staff instead?

 

Ryan: (As the security guards simultaneously take a menacing step toward the citizen pulling back the bolts of their automatic weapons) Now how would that SECURE the blessings of liberty? 

 

Citizen:  (sheepishly backing down)  Um… I…But I don't even know where to start looking for a new repair shop.

 

Ryan:  We have to break you of this reliance on this old repair shop. It's called freedom.

 

Citizen:  This is promoting the general welfare?

 

Ryan:  Yes.  I have an incontrovertible direct knowledge of what the founders of this shop meant by that.   And the answer is YES.  You'll thank me for this someday.   Thanks for coming in.  Hope you will continue to support our repair shop.  Enjoy your newly defined freedom.   Good day.

 

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