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March 26, 2011

Zack Snyder pitches his idea for 'Sucker Punch' to a Warner Bros. Executive

Zack Snyder: 'Sup? Hey, I've got this awesome idea for a new movie.

Warner Bros. Exec: Great, Zack! Your last film, ‘300’, was a huge success.

Zack Snyder: What about ‘Watchmen’? And ‘The Owls of Ga’Hoole’?

Warner Bros. Exec: We try to forget about those...

Zack Snyder: Well, anyways, this new movie's gonna blow your mind. It’s about this teenage girl who accidentally kills her sister and gets sent to a mental asylum.

Warner Bros. Exec: Alright, sounds good so far.

Zack Snyder: So once she’s there, they tell her to dance—

Warner Bros. Exec: Wait, dance? I thought she was in a mental asylum?

Zack Snyder: Yeah. But it’s a strip club too.

Warner Bros. Exec: Oh... All right. I guess that works.

Zack Snyder: So once she’s there, the girl finds out that her dancing is so good that it has the power to put other people in trances.

Warner Bros. Exec: Huh?

Zack Snyder: And when she dances, she goes into a trance too, like a dream. And she can share that dream with the other dancers.

Warner Bros. Exec: So... Do they all have to dance at the same time in order to be in the same dream?

Zack Snyder: No.

Warner Bros. Exec: So how do they—

Zack Snyder: And when they're in this dream world, they have to get four objects, which they also have to get in the real world in order to escape the asylum.

Warner Bros. Exec: Then what’s the point of the dream world?

Zack Snyder: To be a metaphor for the real world.

Warner Bros. Exec: Oh… So the dream world will parallel what’s going on in the real world?

Zack Snyder: Yeah. So in one of the dreams they fight zombie soldiers during World War I, and in one there’s dragons and Orcs, and then there’s robots on a train, and then there’s these giant samurai, too—And one of them has a gattling gun!

Warner Bros. Exec: Wait, what does any of that have to do with the real world? And why does the samurai have a gattling gun? And why would any teenage girl dream about this stuff?

Zack Snyder: Oh! I almost forgot! There's this Asian girl who gets a mech suit during the World War I dream with the zombies. And the mech suit can fly. And it’s got a pink rabbit face on the front.

Warner Bros. Exec: Um… You’re going to explain all this stuff in the movie, right?

Zack Snyder: Nope.

Warner Bros. Exec: But—

Zack Snyder: And in each dream there’s this old guy that shows up.

Warner Bros. Exec: Okay…

Zack Snyder: And he tells them what to do before each mission.

Warner Bros. Exec: This is sounding an awful lot like a videogame.

Zack Snyder: And then the old guy shows up at the very end as a bus driver in the real world.

Warner Bros. Exec: Wait, I thought this guy was in their imaginations? Who the hell is this guy?

Zack Snyder: I dunno. I'll figure that out later.

Warner Bros. Exec: Have you planned any of this out?

Zack Snyder: Did you say something? Anyways, right before that, Jon Hamm shows up—

Warner Bros. Exec: Wait, why's Jon Hamm in this?

Zack Snyder: 'Cause he's the High Roller.

Warner Bros. Exec: The what?

Zack Snyder: He’s the guy who performs lobotomies.

Warner Bros. Exec: Then why not just call him “the lobotomist”?

Zack Snyder: You're not making any sense.

Warner Bros. Exec: This whole idea doesn’t make any—

Zack Snyder: And we’re gonna have the mom from ‘Spy Kids’ play this Russian lady who teaches the girls how to dance.

Warner Bros. Exec: But she’s not Russian.

Zack Snyder: …And your point is?

Warner Bros. Exec: Zack, I’m not so sure about this—

Zack Snyder: And we’ll call it… ‘Sucker Punch’!

Warner Bros. Exec: Let me ask you, Zack: How long did it take you to come up with this idea?

Zack Snyder: I dunno. I lost track of time between playing ‘Call of Duty’ and watching porn.

Warner Bros. Exec: That’s what I thought.

Zack Snyder: So? What do you think?

Warner Bros. Exec: Well, Zack… That has got to be the biggest pile of garbage I’ve ever heard. There’s no way in hell we’re producing that movie.

Zack Snyder: Hmm… What if I throw in a hokey message about self-empowerment?

Warner Bros. Exec: Deal.

Zack Snyder: Awesomesauce!

Warner Bros. Exec: Now here’s two hundred million dollars. Get to work on the next ‘Superman’ movie.

Zack Snyder: Yippee!