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October 22, 2015
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Bet you haven't heard of this string of arsons happening in St. Louis. We have all the underground deets!

It’s hard to stay hip to all the arsons and vandalism happening at places of black worship in our country! It’s es-spesh dif when there isn’t a lot of news coverage of those fires until seven (whoa! seven!) of them happen within 11 days and suddenly the big media machine starts churning out stories. But ya don’t have to be a Minion chillin’ with a pizza rat to know how long it can take Big Media to churn, baby, churn.

So before the news of these arsons spread like wild fire (boom baby! but seriously, lol, it’s crazy they haven’t already) here are the facts you have got to know.

  • The St. Louis Police and Fire Departments and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives released a statement saying, “We believe that this fire-setting activity is meant to send a message.” Cryptic and non specific! Very cool!
  • All but one of the seven churches have been in black neighborhoods with a predominantly black congregation. The last attack that’s promoted most media discussion had been a white church! Drop this fact at your next happy hour!
  • No one likes a fire! Maybe that’s why Big Media isn’t reporting too much on it?
  • Authorities are undecided if these fires are connected! Dang, are these authorities crazy? We aren’t fire experts here (doesn’t mean we aren’t hot shit though!) but if seven fires happen at seven black churches with in eleven days, we, uh, smell a trend!
  • Some of the churches have been burnt to the ground while some have sustained minimal damage! Sounds pretty bad either way, right?
  • Got any hot tips on who might be starting these fires? Spill the deets and you could be rewarded with up to $9,000! (Fun fact! This is less of a reward than that Manhattan lady who lost her dog last year!) We’re always tryna hook you up with sweet, sweet cash!

Now we’re all hoping this it the last of these atrocious and horrible fires, because while being in the know about them is cool, the fact that they’re happening is worse than wack. While usually we ask that you don’t spread your newfound knowledge because the less people know about something, the cooler it is, this is not the case right now. The tightest thing to do with your new knowledge on all these church fires and attacks on black communities is to spread it around, baby.

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