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breakingbad-6.jpgOH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

Okay, everyone just calm down because it's time for another edition of Predicting Bad, in which we recap the most recent episode and (badly) predict the fate of America's favorite meth kingpin. This week's episode, "Ozymandias", was by far the most harrowing, gut-wrenching hour of the series thus far. We've got a bunch more bad predictions for you this week but first, let's relive this beautiful nightmare:
 
[Editor’s note: each ‘.’ indicates an additional “OH MY GOD”]
 
Nice flashback to simpler times. Walt and Jesse goofin’ on each other. Skyler and Walt still love each other. Flash forward to the bleakest of nows. Back to the shootout: Hank and Gomey lost. Gomey’s DEAD. Hank is as good as dead. Walt tries to reason with the Nazis. Offers all his money in exchange for Hank’s life. Nope. BLAM. The end of Hank. Nazis take all but one barrel of cash and leave Walt shattered…but wait, there’s Jesse. No, like, right there, he’s under the car. Walt spots him, gives him up to be killed - but not before revealing the only remaining Jesse/Walt bombshell secret to be revealed: that Walt watched Jesse's lady Jane die. That’s what Jesse gets for fucking with Heisenberg. That and death by Nazi. But instead of finishing him off there, Todd has a better idea: keep Jesse (after beating him to a pulp) as his LEASHED meth slave to get the cook back up to code. And Jesse had better do a good job because there is a nice photo of Andrea and Brock on the wall as motivation.
 
Somehow, this all pales in comparison to the soul-shattering series of implosions and explosions that follow. Marie. Poor, poor, klepto Marie. She still thinks Walt is in Hank’s custody and goes to tell Skyler the news. She demands Flynn be told about the real Walt, the other big bombshell secret yet to be revealed. STILL, nothing compares to the following scenes. Walt rolls his sole remaining barrel of money through the desert, passing his old pair  of trousers along the way. Flynn doesn’t know what to believe. Skyler takes the kids home to find a frantic Walt telling them to pack their bags, it’s time to go. Skyler puts together that, if Walt is free, Hank must be, as Saul would put it, “in Belize”. She makes him confirm it: Hank is dead. Walt defends himself, saying he tried to save him (true) but it’s waaay too late. Family over. Then, in the most gut-wrenching scene yet, Skyler threatens Walt with a knife, slices his hand and the two end up wrestling on the floor in front of Flynn. Flynn tackles his dad to save his mom and calls the cops, saying "I think he might've killed somebody". Family over. Walt runs…but dear God, not before GRABBING THE BABY. Baby grabbed. Skyler running. Family over. 
 
For a moment, Walt’s tries to play like he’s just a modern dad on the go, until YET ANOTHER gut-wrenching moment where little Holly calls out for “mama” and Walt realizes he can’t do this. He makes a call to the house, and, seemingly foolishly, lets himself be traced by the cops until you think about it for like TWO SECONDS and remember this is goddamn Heisenberg we’re talking about. Walt then channels most of the show's fans and shits all over Skyler, accusing her of being a whiny b-word who never believed in him and who “doesn’t know a thing” about the business he built “on his own”. He’s actually putting on a classic Walter White lying act (much better than his vintage, hastily-rehearsed fib in the flashback), thus clearing her name before making that inevitable call to Saul’s guy who makes you go away. But not before leaving little Holly safely behind in a nearby firetruck. You know what other word starts with an ‘F’ and ends with a ‘uck’ that ISN’T ‘firetruck’? It's the only word that can truly summarize this episode: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
 
How the EFF is this show going to end? No one knows, but here are some bad predictions:
 
  • The next two episodes just play soothing rain sounds and serene images of sunsets and we all regain some semblance of calm in our lives.
  • With Hank gone, the potency of Shraderbrau drops to a mere 68 percent.
  • Twitter actually explodes.
  • Everyone killed on Breaking Bad makes a zany crossover cameo on the season premiere of AMC’s Walking Dead. (Maybe a "Thriller" dance? – OH! What about "Bad" instead?! ‘Cause of Breaking Bad? You know? (sorry, like anyone who just watched this, I am not well.)
  • Bill Burr comes out and does like 10 minutes of his best stuff.
  • Saul decides this is all too much for him and starts his spinoff early.
  • Todd rises above the temptation to call Jesse ‘bitch’ (too easy). 
  • Huell, still holed up in his apartment and having nothing else to do, actually gets kind of into Low Winter Sun. I mean, he doesn’t think it’s great but you know, it’s watchable. 
  • Walt enters Talking Bad and kills Chris Hardwick.
  • Holly says “Heisenberg”, all cute-like. 
  • Jesse and Walt face off. 
  • Jesse and Walt watch Face/Off (oh, what, do you have a better idea of what’s gonna happen from here? There are no wrong answers right now. We’re all just trying to get through this.)
  • Bill Burr does a few minutes about how people these days are way too into TV shows.
  • The series ends with Todd poised to become the new Heisenberg but then, a year later, Ben Affleck ends up being cast to play him in the reboot.
  • Walt eats 52 pieces of bacon.
  • Rodney Dangerfield says "Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid!" as Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright" plays and the gopher does a funny dance. 

Okay, so that last one was just the end of Caddyshack but hey, I figured we could all use a little light-hearted fun at this point. That's all for this week's installment. Take some time, sort things out, remember to breathe and meet us back here next week for the penultimate recap and more Predicting Bad(ly).

P.S. - FUUUUUUUCK

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