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Published March 11, 2012 More Info »
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Published March 11, 2012

 

Thousands died this morning when their alarms went off an hour earlier than usual. One failed suicide victim, who goes by the name of Howard Bergstein quoted himself saying, “I heard my alarm go off and instantly tried to reach for a gun. But it was next to my midterm paper in the other room. By the time I got up to shoot myself in the face, I was already wide awake.” Due to all of the Daylight Savings Time suicides, the freeways will be wide open for the next week. At least until the suicide victims come back from the dead and can tolerate waking up an hour earlier.

What does the time change mean for you? It means your classes will feel twice as long. It means you will stay up an hour later wondering why there’s nothing good on TV. It means you will hate everything that Daylight Savings Time stands for. But fear not, fellow zombies. Caffeine exists. Whether you like spending five bucks on an espresso from Starbucks, teabagging some hot water, or doing 5 Hour energy shots like a crack addict, you will survive.

CEO of Monster Energy, Rodney Sacks, is reported to more than triple his annual salary in the following few days. “Daylight Savings Time is like Christmas for me,” said Sacks. Which makes the rest of us starving African children. Fortunately, President Obama would love to hear how much you hate spring (but not fall) Daylight Savings Time. Who knows, maybe the United States will start a war on sleep terrors.

Quick brush up on that history class you probably (and I definitely) failed: Daylight Savings Time first started being used during WWI to standardize train schedules. So you wake up an hour earlier in spring to not only reevaluate if you really need to attend that 8am class, but also in case you have to ride a train somewhere because cars don’t exist in 2012.

Sleepy, one of Snow White’s seven dwarves, has decided to start a coalition against spring Daylight Savings Time. “I’m already tired enough…” he began. But he could not continue because, true to form, he fell asleep. Doc immediately interrupted the very loud Z’s coming from Sleepy’s nose by kicking him in the back and telling us, “He does that a lot.” Doc then leant over and whispered into my knee, “He’s coming down from a crack high.” “But,” he continued, “This Daylight Savings Time is a real issue for all of us. We have to wake up even earlier to hi-ho, hi-ho, off to work. Do you know how annoying that song is at 6am?”

The well-known phrase “Spring forward, fall back” is helpful in remembering how to set your clocks…if you live in 1997. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather fall back…into bed.

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