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Published October 19, 2011 More Info »
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Published October 19, 2011

A letter from the Dean

 

Dear freshman,

 

It is my pleasure and privilege to serve as your Dean. As the Dean, I have the great honor of providing leadership and direction during your time of study. Many of you have come here with great dreams and promising futures. Statistically speaking, you are Asian and I welcome you to our country. As for the rest of you, college will be a gauntlet of under achieving, bad decisions and weekly breathalyzers from the D.U.I. you got in your mom’s Ford Taurus…on a Tuesday afternoon!

During your high school graduation, your valedictorians and principles spoke of limitless potential. They were not talking about you. You are, in fact, very limited. Please set your goals accordingly. To help accommodate you here, we have provided a number of classes such as dance and bowling to further the façade that you’re a “real college student.” Please do us the favor and make sure your parents’ tuition checks arrive on time. 

 While on campus here, you will probably encounter the opposite sex and do things that are illegal in some states. Please remember that you’re living in student housing and we can’t afford to burn the mattresses every year, so please keep it clean. Band majors, ignore this paragraph, you will never get laid.

Here at the University we are a smoke-free campus. We are also a drug-free campus. And not to name names, John from Des Moines Iowa, we are also a masturbating in public-free campus. John, we’re all aware your father donated the funds to build the new art center, but please keep the public display of erections to a minimum. 

With all that college has to offer this is an exciting time in your lives. Don’t go screwing it up by dying. I know that sounds bleak but at least one of you will be dead by the time of my next letter. The cause will most likely be alcohol related, although technically, it will be your own vomit that kills you.

I wish you the best of luck this year in all of your endeavors. If you have any questions or concerns please send them elsewhere, I’m going through a rough divorce and don’t have time to babysit you.

Sincerely,

The Dean

Don’t come to my office I own a gun.

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