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February 02, 2017
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We are all saved!

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BEYONCÉ IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!!
That can only mean one thing: we are all saved! Here is a complete breakdown of all that we have to look forward to once the Beyoncé twins arrive. Let it give you the hope we have all been missing!

Summer 2017: Beyoncé’s holy water breaks.

Summer 2017: Beyoncé Twins (which we know are also Jay-Z’s twins but whatever) emerge.
Twins scan their domain (Earth).
They are immediately bored with the limitations of this mortal coil.

Hours Later: Beyoncé twins are officially named Beyoncé & Beyoncé, regardless of gender.

Moments Later: Blue Ivy is deeply offended that she was named after a goddamn color and not the queen.

Next Day: Beyoncé & Beyoncé begin strict exercise and vocal warm-up regimes.

Fall 2017: Blue Ivy screams that she hates the twins because they get all the attention. She is wrong. No one can hate anyone named Beyoncé.

Spring 2018: Trump toying with idea of warring with China “like Battleship but bigger!”

Next day: Beyoncé & Beyoncé decide to visit the White House, knowing full well that they are the only people that can do whatever they want more than Trump.

Later That Day: Infuriated at the lack of Michelle Obama in the White House, Beyoncé & Beyoncé insist on a meeting with “President Trump.” They even used air quotes like that. They are amazing.

Moments Later: Trump, prone to ignoring the needs of black people, strangely unable to say no to Beyoncé or Beyoncé or Beyoncé. He agrees to take the meeting.

One Second Later: Trump lays eyes on Beyoncé and Beyoncé. For the first time in his life, he sees something that he cannot deny is more perfect than he is. Trump experiences self doubt for the very first time.

That Same Second: Beyoncé pukes on Trump.

That’s right, it was Beyoncé the First.

Beyoncé Knowles puked on Donald Trump.

The Next Second: Beyoncé & Beyonce also puke on Trump.

That Night: Trump cries. He has cleaned some of the Beyoncés’ puke off of his clothes, but he can’t seem to get the puke to come out of his skin.

Late in the Night: The Beyoncé puke has seeped fully into Trump’s skin. It acts as a purifying antidote for every single disease and problem Trump has.

The Next Day: Trump is fixed and no longer bad.

History: Trump goes down as a successful president when he begins to make decisions that benefit the country. Kellyanne Conway is left alone in a room with Blue Ivy and never seen again. No one really looks into it.

His Death Bed: Trump is still mad that he’s not as hot as Beyoncé or Beyoncé. That is his last thought before death.

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