NLFL TEAMS/COMPANIES(1) Lowe’s Hardware(2) Ft. Lowell City Schools(3) Columbus City Department of Parks and Recreation(4) Party Extravaganza Halloween Party Connection(5) Mellow Mushroom(6) Buffalo Wild Wings(7) Hooters(8) Domino’s Pizza(9) City of Birmingham (alabama) Water and Sewer Works(10) Detroit City Schools(11) John Deere(12) Keaton & Hale Attorneys at Law(13) Match.com(14) Roly Poly
Jason Stone (d) UNC-CHAPEL HILL: “Jason has a rare talent to roll weed roaches in groups of ten in under five minutes. He has been the primary ‘Mary Jane’ distributor at UNC for 7 years without one arrest to his name. Once raised $20,000 for his fraternity Alpha Phi Omega from distribution.Strengths:raised $20,000 yearly from weed sales never arrested (ability to stay on the field) vast capacity to smoke blounts while standing upright in the same spot for hours._Weaknesses: _* Low percentage of brain cells! Limited vocabulary due to low percentage of brain cells.
_Shelton Harrison: _University of California-Los Angeles: Has a knack for knocking on numerous sorority house doors only to expose himself to surprised coeds or leave a plastic bag of animal waste lit on fire on door step, with sensational ability to cover every house on sorority row within thirty minutes.Strengths: * Ability to elude police and dart into dark ally ways * Can squeeze through the smallest of spaces * Strong knuckles from knocking on so many doors Weaknesses: Did not yield as many tips from coeds as some other guys may have for his "exposure” techniques, but did receive them from the university dean’s wife.
Walker Preston: Eckard College: Once and a decade party thrower. His parties are legendary and have been known to involve farm equipment, farm animals, and assorted weapons. Every sheriff, magistrate, judge, farmer, farm supply story owner, PETA and the EPA have either come to cite, arrest or shoot him- but were all coerced into staying to party due to his charisma. Has innate ability to make everyone become friends with him after one evening.
*Always able to get charges dropped for multiple potential felonies
* HIGHLIGHT: Steven Tyler once visited one of his parties
Weaknesses:*Did spend two days in Jail but charges were dropped *Will die young due to someone seeking retribution for one of his acts.
Charlie Henderson:Yale University: Was treasurer of his fraternity for 6 years running- was able to raise $50,000 during his time @ Alpha Phi Omega, but money was never properly circulated through the house or into national panhellenic headquarters, who has no record of this surplus amount.Strengths:*Able to afford lavish dinners for his dates during formal season *Able to afford new Land Rovers on an annual basis in spite of having no job and the fact that both his parents are middle school teachers. _Weaknesses: _always one step away from being convicted of embezzlement.
Luke Jackson:Southern Methodist University: has the uncanny and sheepish ability to believe a coed will go back to his room with him if he holds her cup while she vomits or cleans left over food off of the couches, tables or floors before she passes out on them.Strengths:*Able to mop floors, bag and round up bottles with one arm while vacuuming crumbs off of couches and tables * Still committed to cleaning up his fraternity house even as a senior *Team player as he is easily willing to be bullied by freshmen pledges that pass their duties on to him.Weaknesses:*Sort of weak willed and easily manipulated as his biggest strength is his downfall. Never was able to get many coeds up into his room, although once coerced an inebriated Japanese exchange student to his room but later had to clean up her vomit once she passed out on his floor only minutes after they entered his room.
John Greenwood:University of Arkansas: has innate ability to shoot squirrels, pets and rival fans of his university’s athletic teams in areas that incapacitate them with one shot. Resourceful and expert marksman with pistols, compound bows, slingshots, hand held rocks and hardened frozen beef steaks from “house” freezer.Strengths:*Always ready to take on anyone, anytime.Weaknesses:* Rival fraternities, athletic sports fans and even some organized crime syndicates have him on their “hit list.”
_Franklin Pierce _Georgia Tech: Once in a century ability to unlock any door on campus and break into sensory sensitive apparatus that can set off alarms and notify authorities.Strengths:* Can make a key or sharp object from any metal object known to man that can open any door whether that be cars, sororities or class room buildings. * Has stolen exam documents and forged grades, SS numbers and doctoral dissertations (for copy and forgery)on numerous occasions without detection. * Instrumental in his fraternity having the highest GPA on campus last year.Weaknesses:* Lowlight was breaking into science arts building to change clocks back four hours during exam week-sophomore year. Unfortunately, by the time he left the building he thought he was on the actual time he had manipulated and flunked his course the next day by missing his exam, along with the other ¼ of the campus of fall semester that year.
Shane Denson:Florida State University: Fantastic awareness of knowing what women want but not caring one bit about providing it and still coming away with positive responses from them.Strengths:*Strikingly handsome *Able to coax women he has repeatedly stalked, improperly touched or sexually harassed to drop complaints or charges potentially levied against him on a consistent basis. *Able to manage ‘well endowed’ and scantily clad coeds into properly greeting party goers, bringing beer to their tables and preparing/serving food at football tailgate or fraternity mixer parties. *Well acquainted with a large network of plastic surgeons.Weaknesses:*Can make cocktails but is inexperienced and drinks tend to be “too watery” *Prospects of dying young are possible due to chance meeting with a lesbian, feminist or sexually transmitted disease.
_Garland Newsome: _San Jose State: Other wordly knack for doctoring photographs and public/private records through multiple electronic apparatus.Strengths:*Career Highlights- when he caused Facebook to nearly crash by being able to solicit a quarter of the world’s population to either tag or accept his friend requests._Weaknesses: _FBI is well aware of him.
TEAM/COMPANY NEEDS PROFILE:
(1) Lowe’s Hardware: equipment producer-key locksmith department manager.
(2) Fort Lowell City Schools: janitorial and maintenance coordinator
(3) Party Extravaganza: events coordinator, marketing and costume design
(4) Mellow Mushroom: line cook with possibility for management track
(5) Columbus, GA City Parks & Recreation: landscaping and parks manager
(6) Roly Poly: line cook with possibility for management track
(7) Buffalo Wild Wings: bartender
(8) Hooters: manager, bartender
(9) Domino’s Pizza: driver-deliver
(10) City of Birmingham, AL Sewer & Water Board: Treasurer
(11) Detroit City Schools: Teacher-Resouce Officer
(12) John Deere: Parts Manager
(13) Keaton & Hale Attorney’s @ Law: Attorney
(14) Match.com: Web coordinator
March 1, 2018 “NLFL Draft Round 1
1. LOWES HARDWARE-
FRANKLIN PIERCE- Georgia Tech
2. Fort Lowell City Schools:
LUKE JACKSON- Southern Methodist
3. Party Extravaganza Seasonal Supply Store:
WALKER PRESTON- Eckard College
4. MELLOW MUSHROOM :
JASON STONE (D)- UNC-Chapel Hill
Roly Poly: Traded picks with ”Hooters" which moves up to number 5. Roly Poly moves out of draft all together but has two picks for next year. Hooters now waits until next also to pick again.
“We really wanted Jason, with his fantastic experience with cannabis. But, our fears were realized when out primary divisional rivals Mellow Mushroom grabbed him. Although, this is so we feel that next year’s draft will have more depth providing prospects with similar skill sets. We need more depth as much of our staff are now moving to homeless shelters. Although, we have not seen a prospect like Jason in some time we felt that two guys will get trained well for the same position and will do almost as good a job as he may have. Jason’s agent (unemployment office) was asking for a contract that may have placed us over the salary cap!”
SHANE DENSON- Florida State
“Shane’s record with women speaks for itself. Since our company was started in the Tampa Bay area we wanted "home grown” talent that understands the area well. We are pleased with this selection and expect big things from him.“
6. Columbus (Georgia) City Parks & Recreation:
Pick forfeited due to mismanagement of funds and embezzlement
7. BUFFALO WILD WINGS BAR & GRILL:
trades pick to Hooters for their marketing department coordinator. Automatically moves out of this year’s draft and will not draft until 2020
"We felt that we already had a stacked roster and saw no one who could fit a roster need we already had. We feel that we have a "Super Bowl” Sunday roster team dynamic and with our addition in free agency we should now be able to attract more patrons in future seasons to come with some of the coolest commercials on t.v.“
8. DOMINOE’S PIZZA:
SHELTON HARRIS- UCLA
"We are so very pleased with this pick. I told our team if we were patient the draft would come to us. We foresaw some of the trades and forfeitures. We also saw no teams needing Mr. Harris’ unique skill set before we picked. We love his ability to move quickly from house to house along with his calloused and powerful knuckles that telegraph notation of a visitor all through even the largest of homes.”
9. CITY OF BIRMINGHAM ALABAMA SEWER & WATER BOARD:
CHARLIE HENDERSON-YALE UNIVERSITY
10. Detroit City School System:
JOHN GREENWOOD- UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS
“We feel that John’s experience with multiple weaponry and hostile disposition will serve him well in our school system where, although students are not allowed to bring weapons, teachers are advised to!”
11. JOHN DEERE:
Leaves draft all together and selects undocumented migrant workers in free agency from the Guatamalan developmental league along with other free agents from APOSTLE PETER’S RETIREMENT COMMUNITY.
“We are well over our salary cap and by not having to pay as much with undocumented workers we can shuffle back inside our cap space and hopefully be able to sign a couple of free agents from even more retirement communities to fill in as doorway greeters.”
12. HEATON & HALE ATTORNEYS AT LAW:
Trade out into next year’s draft also. Will get Birmingham Sewer & Water Board’s second round pick next year by shipping some attorneys to them.
“We really wanted Charlie but couldn’t trade up high enough to land him. Our biggest rival there in Alabama got him. We thought being so close to him here in Philadelphia he’d be a good fit. What’s worse is Birmingham was the only team with similar needs, so unfortunately they were the only reasonable trade partner. What’s even worse is that they clearly got the better end of the bargain, looks like they hosed us just like they did to all of their tax paying citizens in 2011 there in Jefferson County, Alabama. But, the silver lining is that next year’s draft is so deep in prospects that there should be multiple rounds instead of one as is this year.”
GARLAND NEWSOME- San Jose State
“We loved the fact that he could manipulate so many soft ware dynamics, where he could potentially steal personal profiles from Facebook, Link’d In and even other dating sites and paste them onto ours. We also liked the fact that he knew what to say online as he will come in handy when we ask him to pretend to speak to actual paying customers making them think they are actually talking to someone who cares and wants to date them. Over half of our profiles are forged and are ones that have long since expired. We feel that he can take us to an even more advanced, pathetic scum level than ever before.”
*ANY PERSONAL NAMES ARE PURELY FICTIONAL, ANY COMMON REFERENCE IS STRICTLY COINCIDENTAL.