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June 17, 2011

Insight into the Dallas Mavericks stunning upset over the Miami Heat

1.  Udonis Haslem's corn rows:  This fucking guy has had corn rows since his Junior season at University of Florida.  That was 11 years ago.  He's had corn rows for 11 years!  11 years!  The last acceptable year for corn rows was at least 5 years ago.  If Iverson cuts his corn rows, its time for you to cut yours Udonis.

2.  Mike "WT" Miller and his two sprained thumbs:  Two sprained thumbs?  How do you sprain 2 thumbs?  I've never heard of such a thing.  Was he overcompensating with the other thumb after the first thumb was hurt?  Is he into some kind of thumb play fetish with his wife?  Oh, duh, I got it.  NBA2K on XBOX.  The day of an NBA player goes something like this: Wake up, hit the gym, take some shots, get lunch, take a nap, play a game, smoke some weed, go to the club, bang a hooker, smoke weed, play XBOX.  On days off:  Smoke weed, play XBOX.  I'm not even gonna start in on his chin strap/mohawk ensemble he's got going on.  He screams north Florida.

3.  Deshawn Stevenson's Abe Lincoln throat tattoo:  My roommate asked, "Why would you have Abe Lincoln tattooed on your neck?"  My answer, "Why wouldn't you?  He emancipated the slaves and he never told a lie."  I love Deshawn Stevenson.

4.  Mark Jackson's terrible prediction:  At the 9 minute mark of the 4th quarter in Game 6, Jackson looked into his crystal ball and saw this, "I know Dwayne Wade.  I've seen that look in his eyes.  He's about to go off."  After this dogshit prediction, D-Wade immediately turned the ball over twice as the Mavericks took over the game and the series.  He scored 2 points in the final 9 minutes.  Just one of the many, many absurd statements by the future Warriors coach.

5.  Lebron's Threes:  Lebron James didn't play any different in these playoffs than he had the past several years.  The only difference?  His ill-advised three point shots were falling.  They stopped falling in the Finals.  With that body he should dominate the glass when his shot isn't falling.  Until he learns how to adapt his game to the situation of the game, he'll have trouble winning a title.

6.  Front Row Vagina:  I swear I saw up-skirt front row vagina in Game 1.  A player crashed into a beautiful young lady, knocking her on her back, with her legs open in the air, exposing, what I believed to be, a pussy.  I used my god-awful Time Warner DVR, to do a little vaginal investigation.  I probably spent 20 minutes trying to get the exact frame of her vagina.  I couldn't find definitive evidence to confirm my sighting, but with an abundance of damning circumstantial evidence, such as her white skirt, her being a Miami trophy wife or escort, and my need for this to be true, I came to the verdict of Guilty of Being Totally Fucking Amazing.

7.  Wandering Camera Man:  I don't know why I haven't seen anything about this on-line, but during one of the Bulls-Heat games, coming back from break at half-time, there was a malfunction and the camera man was live and he didn't know he was live.  Guess what he was looking at?  That's right, he was panning around the stadium, finding trophy wife smokeshows, and zooming in on their breasticles.  How did nobody else see this?  Another David Stern cover-up.

8.  Jason Kidd stops blowing:  When did J-Kidd stop blowing kisses at the charity stripe?  How big is his kid's head now?  Is his ex-wife still bat-shit?

9.  Jason Terry has gigantic balls:  Wasn't the MVP of the series, but he won the series. 

10.  NBA Tattoos:  When will NBA players stop letting their cousins in prison tattoo them blindfolded?  They have to have somebody in their lives that can advise them against getting an actual basketball tattooed on their arm.  Baseball players don't tattoo bats and football players don't tattoo footballs.  Why do basketball players have the worst sense of fashion and the least amount of common sense? (That's Deron Williams' Tattoo.  He's one of the best players on earth and he makes several million a year.)

11.  Bench Peja:  Interesting how the series turned around when Peja Stojakovic stopped getting minutes.

12.  You can't stay with J.J.:  It was obvious after Game 1 that the Heat had nobody that could stay with the speedy Puerto Rican and Northeastern alum (Interesting path right?), J.J. Barea.  He was beating the defense in the first three games but his shots weren't falling.  By Game 4, Barea was starting, and his shots started falling.  The Heat had nothing to counter this move.

13.  Spoelstra outclassed:  Carlisle is a big time NBA coach.  His move to start Barea and have Abe Lincoln neck come off the bench changed the series.  When he saw that Peja couldn't keep up, he put his ass on the bench.  Giving Mahinmi minutes seemed questionable at best, until we saw how strong he played.  Even Brian "Scalabrine" Cardinal gave them valuable minutes out of the blue.  Meanwhile, Spoelstra was always a step behind.  Three point shoot-out champ James Jones and former Celtic spark plug Eddie House were all but forgotten, allowing Dallas to sag into the paint and dare LBJ and D-Wade to take bad shots.  Which of course they did, as they always do.  What was the musical chair of useless over the hill centers all about?  He had a new one in uniform every game.  They all sucked.

14.  Mike Bibby is dogshit: Always was.

15.  He still plays?:  Shawn Marion played great D on Lebron and made shots when he had to.  Solid work for a guy I thought died several years ago.

16.  The Cubes: What's up with Mark Cuban's giant botox face.  He looks like Barry Bonds in the late stages of his career.  I think it's totally worth taxpayers money to launch a full-scale investigation into my allegation of his steroid use.  His act has gotten tired over the years, but he's still a great owner.  Congratulations Cubes.

17.  Everyone wants to be MJ:  Lebron wants his own empire, just like MJ, but he doesn't want to put in the work.  Jordan built his brand on the court.  If you asked him, "Would you trade all the money and fame for a shot at a championship?", he would say yes without hesitation.  No way Lebron has that kind of drive.  Not even close.  When he was in a war of words with Wizards guard Deshawn Stevenson a few years ago, he had Jay-Z remix a song slamming Deshawn that night so he could play it at his after party in DC at club "Love".  You think Jordan was asking Chuck-D and Ghostface to fight his battles for him?  He didn't need to.  He wasn't a bitch like Lebron.  Side Note: Jay Z is not a handsome man.   

18.  Bad Move:  Those 30 seconds of childish mocking at Dirk Nowitzki's expense really backfired.  There's no way that didn't anger and unify the Mavericks even more than they already were.  What was that anyway?  If you're gonna make fun of somebody behind their back, albeit on-camera, at least try to be funny.  That came off about as good as a Keenan skit on SNL.  Keep firing away SNL.  At some point, I'll laugh at something he does.  By the way, SNL is in yet another downturn.  The loss of Will Forte really hurts. 

19.  Chris Bosh:  Played well, but too boring to talk about.

20.  Heat Fans:  Holy crap, Miami knows no bounds to it's douchebaggery.  Every fan had the same white button down, orange skin, and trophy wife.  I thought LA had awful fans.  Miami made LA look like Thunderdome.  American Airlines Arena was packed full of guys that spend more time at the salon than the girls do.  That's not a recipe for any kind of home court advantage.  There's a reason season two of the "Jersey Shore" was shot in Miami.  They fit right in.

Bonus: Oh Ya, Dirk Nowitzki won the MVP.  Good job whitey.