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September 11, 2015
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Scientists recently unveiled a new human-like species that lived hundreds of thousands of years ago. If they were still alive, they'd be taking our jobs.

Well, it seems we found a new type of human-like creature that may be an important evolutionary link between humans and apes. They died off thousands of years ago. Good. Because if they were still alive, they’d be taking all our jobs.

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Homo Naledi - primitive human-job stealer. Photo by Mark Thiessen.

For one, these folks would be swiping all our hunting and foraging jobs. Those jobs feed dozens of hard-working American families every day. Even though I don’t know much about these creatures, I know they never worked as hard as Americans do.

We found a bunch of bones in a cave crack, and scientists are saying that’s where these people-things buried their dead. Can you imagine having to share current grave space with these bipedal freaks? Thank Christ they are long gone — America’s cemetery space is precious.

And if these cave-pissers are burying bodies, that means they’d be swallowing up all the grave-digging jobs that normal American humans would have. That’s bullshit and if they were still alive I’d shoot them.

I swear, if they were alive today, they’d better have stayed in South Africa. They can’t live here — we shouldn’t have to spare our North American caves when we have a huge homeless American human problem right now.

That’s another thing — these snack-sized skull heads were foreigners. I bet they had weird names like “Cluck Chuck” or “Jorge.” And you know they didn’t speak English. Probably never even tried. Typical stone scratchers. I’m so glad they died off as a species.

I mean, I almost threw up in my office trash can when I imagined coming home to dinner to find my daughter dating one of these small-brained losers. What’s next, inter-homo-species marriage? Not in my house.

Now, I know a lot of you are going to read this and call me a species-ist. Well, look, I’m just calling like it might have been, so fuck you.

The truth is we just can’t deal with anymore human-like species. At least not in America. We don’t have the room and we got our own human problems to deal with first. So thank the true one white human male Lord Jesus God that we don’t have to worry about this because they’re all dead.

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