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January 09, 2015
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HBO Announces Premiere Date For Game of Thrones Season 5 And Others, Who Will Die?

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Game of Thrones is more than a TV show at this point. It’s the most elaborately produced show on television, it’s big enough to show two old episodes in IMAX theaters across the country, and did you know that it has more named characters in it than any other show in history, by a lot! So it’s no surprise that the premiere date for next season is huge news, even if it’s three months away.

HBO announced that season 5 of Game of Thrones will premiere on April 12th, along with lesser-but-still-good shows Veep and Silicon Valley.

Without a doubt the most fun thing about Game of Thrones is seeing who gets killed! And how! Since HBO has already taken some liberties on story lines with regard to how the books go, I’m guessing they’ll continue that trend to give the public what it wants: shocking murders. In fact, I found out that HBO set up a focus group at my local mall to figure out what kind of deaths the public wanted, so I ran to the mall, joined the group, and here’s a list of who we decided should die and how:


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Theon Greyjoy, aka “Reek” — To put it mildly, Theon had a tough season 4 (he got his dinger cut off) and has been almost impossible to watch. Limping around pathetically and completely dominated by Ramsay Snow. He is ratings suicide. So we thought season 5 should begin with a cold open of Theon silently overdosing on opium, carrying him to sweet death while soft bagpipe music plays in the background.


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Melisandre, aka “The Red Queen” — She’s been nothing but trouble for a while. Other than some kinky sex stuff, she kind of just instigates complicated problems and there are already plenty of less confusing problems in the GoT universe. Our focus group thought it would be kind of cool to have her die because someone threw a bucket of water on her for some reason and she melted Wizard of Oz–style.


Lord Baelish — He’s just too slimy and pervy for our taste. Also, he still kind of reminds us of The Wire where he also played a slimy pervy guy. It’s best if we just took a break from him all together. He will die by being thrown off a boat.


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Tyrion Lannister — I know: NO! I get it. But this is what Game of Thrones is all about at the end of the day: Killing your favorite characters until there is no one left. We decided that season 5 should end with Tyrion being executed because that’s the only way to make Khaleesi marry Jon Snow who will both rule on the throne together. Not sure exactly how that whole situation will come to pass, but the writers have 10 episodes to figure it out.

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