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March 19, 2015

Tomorrow, the world will experience a solar eclipse. Should you masturbate to it? Our scientists provide answers.

On Friday, there will be a solar eclipse. Our team of scientists has assembled to answer your science questions regarding this fascinating natural phenomenon, particularly your most important one: Should you masturbate during it?



Where do you live?

If you live in Australia or Japan, you will not be able to see the eclipse. There will be full and regular sunlight. Do not masturbate. You will be at work and your coworkers will see you.

If you live in North America you will not see the eclipse. However, it will be 4:30 in the morning. If you want to set your alarm, get up in the middle of the night, and masturbate, you can. Your spouse might be confused, though.

If you live in North Africa or Southern Europe, you will experience a partial solar eclipse. The moon will partially obstruct the sun, dimming it, but not fully blocking it. So you should not masturbate. Your coworkers will be like, “What are you doing?” And you will be like, “There’s an eclipse, you can’t see me,” and they will be like, “Yes we can. You’re masturbating. It’s only a partial eclipse.” Then you will get fired from the factory.

If you live in Northern Europe, particularly the Faroe Islands, Denmark, or Svalbard, Norway, you will experience a rare total eclipse. The moon will completely block the sun, showing only its corona. It will be dim enough that you can safely masturbate under the cover of darkness, especially since everyone else will be off gawking at the eclipse.Go to town on yourself. Berøre deg selv, du vakre jævel!

Eclipse safety tips

  • Do not stare directly at the eclipse and masturbate, even though this is the most erotic thing a person can do. You will go blind. Instead, make a pinhole camera (instructions here). Hold it with one hand (your non-dominant hand) while masturbating with the other. This will protect your eyes temporarily, though you will eventually go blind from the masturbating.
  • If you absolutely must stare at the eclipse, close one eye. You will only go blind in the open one. You can still drive and operate a thresher.
  • Once you are done, clean up any bodily fluids so you don’t slip and hurt yourself. That’s how you lost a finger at the factory.

How long will you have to masturbate during the eclipse?

Approximately one hour. This is plenty of time to crank one out, or maybe even two or three.

What causes a solar eclipse?