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December 08, 2014
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No really, it’s very kind of you to offer to let me eat that scientist. But I’m full, honest. I had a wildebeest a month ago and I simply couldn’t eat another bite.

On Sunday, the Discovery Channel aired a much-hyped special titled “Eaten Alive,” during which a scientist in a snake-proof suit planned to let a giant anaconda eat him. He did not come close to letting the snake eat him. Strangely, their microphones failed to pick up that the snake was talking the entire time. Luckily our snake audio is state of the art. Here now is our snake transcript from the incident.

snake.jpg

Hello, new neighbors! Welcome to my swamp! I hope you like the vines and the bugs and the muddy water. Want the name of my muddy water guy? He did a dynamite job on my lair. Send me an email.

Anyway, it’s been nice meeting this whole Discovery camera crew that’s inexplicably in my jungle, but I should really be slithering now. I’ve got a busy day. You know how it is. Coiling, basking, picking up the kids from Montessori, etc. But thanks for dropping by! Let’s visit again soon.

What’s that? Eat that scientist over there? Oh no, I simply couldn’t possibly.

No really, it’s very kind of you to offer. But I’m full, honest. I had a wildebeest a month ago and I simply couldn’t eat another bite.

Ha ha, I mean it now. I’m really trying to watch the ol’ figure. Figure 1, that’s the figure I want! Just straight up and down, like Keira Knightley. Sooo I’m being very boring about snacks and treats at the mo. A moment on the lips, forever on the snake middle part, that’s what they say.

Wow, you are being very insistent!

I hope you don’t think I’m being rude. It was incredibly thoughtful of you to build a special scientist swallowing suit for me to swallow and I am sure that he is absolutely delicious. But you know, I’ve just got so many holiday parties coming up (my husband Mr. Snake is in sales), and I already don’t know how I’m going to navigate all those dessert tables and still fit into my New Year’s dress. (It’s a Size 2. I know, I know! Why do you do that to yourself, Mrs. Snake-Goldstein? But I swear I’ll fit this year.)

Now listen, I’m sure you’re just being neighborly, but I really must refuse. You can leave him here for the baby snakes if you want; I’m sure they’d love him. And of course Mr. Snake would really go to town. But I’m going to be on my way right now. It was very nice to -

Ow!

Heh heh, this little guy reeeally wants to be eaten, doesn’t he! Isn’t that… cute! Just… precious, how he’s poking me and poking me and no one’s doing anything to stop him!! What neat new neighbors!! OW!!! You cut that out, you little shit!

Oh. Oh, dear, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I lost my temper like that. I’m sure he doesn’t know any better. He’s only a scientist, after all. Listen. How about if I just crush him a bit. You know, in my coils. That’s the best part of eating, anyhow. That way I’ll still have enough Weight Watchers points left for drinks with the girls tonight.

Here we go, wrapped nice and cozy in my coils. Mmm yes, this is very nice. I can feel him struggling, like a nice fat juicy pig. I’ll just coil a little tighter… little tighter…

FINE, I WILL EAT HIM.

I AM SNAKE. HE IS PREY. I CRUSH. I KILL. I CONSUME.

…And now you’re taking him away again.

Well that’s… I’m actually hungry for scientist now, I really worked up an appetite with all that coiling, so if you don’t mind -

Nope, you took him over there.

OK. Easy, Emily. Just smooth your scales and be polite.

See you later, scientists! Thanks for forcing me to break my diet then yanking the food out of my mouth! Great to meet you! Safe trip home! Bye now! Bye!

I’m going to follow you home to Michigan and eat you in your sleep.

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