It is Sunday night and I just woke up with the worst hangover anyone has ever experienced. I honestly wish I didn’t wake up at all, but I had to. The officer told me to. While I was walking home in what you can only describe as “naked”, I was trying to figure out how the hell I ended up in the park to begin with. And this is what I could remember:
Yesterday morning I woke up early-ish, extremely anxious about my big Ungrateful Ninja debut at the high school talent show. So anxious, in fact, that I bought a half-jack Jack Daniels at 9am to try and calm myself down a bit. After the first couple of shots didn’t calm me down I grew tired of wasting my valuable time by pouring the alcohol into a glass and started drinking from the bottle. At that point the drinking became more fun than medicinal and I started listening to Childish Gambino and drinking aggressively to put myself in a performing mood. When my flat mate Nick came home he found me dancing around the flat wearing his underwear and a wig I made from toilet paper and cheese.
He berated me more for wasting the “expensive” two ply than wearing his underwear and forced me to drink coffee in order to get my shit together. At about 1pm I was mostly sobered up, and the anxiety began creeping in again. That forced me to take matters into my own hands, and after locking Nick in the bathroom I went out and continued my drinking at the bar. This time I put on clothes, but I took my toilet paper-cheese wig with me in case of an emergency. After a couple of drinks the wig was on and I was performing my incest cow character accompanied by a common Afrikaans pop song’s backtrack. I was mooing and moaning brilliantly for about two minutes before an enraged pregnant bitch pushed me off the stage and chased me out of the bar.
It was cool, I had to leave anyway. I went to the school and drunkenly waited for my time to shine. After the announcer wrongly introduced me (Ungrateful Nina), I went on stage, closed my eyes and gave the audio & visual nerds the signal to start my song. When I opened my mouth to start gently echoing like a dolphin I started vomiting all over myself and the stage, but I tried to pretend that it’s all part of the act, until I slipped in my own filth and slid off the stage. The last thing I remember was taking of my shirt and yelling at the audience to take pictures for their snuff sites. I was escorted out of the school hall by a disgruntled teacher and I took off my shoe and slapped him with it before running into the darkness. I guess I cried myself asleep on the park bench after that.
I just wish I knew where my beautiful wig was.
Up next: The Diary of a Bolevin – April Fools