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May 09, 2016
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Just like 'Weekend At Bernie's' except somehow a little less believable. 10 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' S02E05 'Captive'

1) Miss Steak

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Why the tense ‘tude, Alicia? When a stranger kidnaps me and prepares a steak dinner for me (complete with creepy music and very chill extreme skiing videos on the TV to set the mood), I don’t sit there and act like a brat. I eat my steak! I certainly don’t pout and ask questions like “Where is my family?” and “Is my family safe?” and “Did you murder my family, though? Like for real? Are they dead?” You’re just as bad as Sam not finishing his cookies, don’t you realize how uncommon steak is in this new world? Eat up!

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“I don’t even like steak, I just hate you.”

YO, ALEESH. Your new pregnant nemesis probs wouldn’t have stolen the whole plate if you just offered her a bite! It’s good manners to offer people a bite of what you’re eating, it’s straight up dangerous to not offer a pregnant woman a bite. Also dangerous: Putting a water glass on the table and stomping your foot when the pregnant woman walks around the room so the ground shakes like that scene from Jurassic Park. I did it all through my sister’s first pregnancy, before she even started putting on any noticeable weight. It’s been 5 years and our relationship has never fully recovered. I regret nothing.

2) Man Bun Alert

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What is it with this show (and also that other show that I write about that’s on at the same time on the same network just during different parts of the year) and irritating haircuts? Do they do it so I have something to write about? I promise you can give the characters not-annoying haircuts that don’t make me want to wing a can of delicious Grapefruit Sculpin IPA at my TV (official energy drink of watching this show so I can write these articles), I’ll still have more than enough bullshit to write about on Monday. Also, and I hate that I’m spending so much time on this point, but MAN BUNS WERE NOT IN FASHION AT THE TIME THIS SHOW TAKES PLACE. Let us please remember this is a prequel of sorts to The Walking Dead universe, a land that can best be timestamped by new Hyundais, and the zombie outbreak is confirmed to have jumped off around 2012. Rocking a man bun in 2012 is about as preposterous as rocking a man bun in 2012. It’s so god damn stupid and outlandish, there’s nothing you can even compare it to.

3) Welcome Back, Salazar

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Salazar has resumed his role on the team as Chief Deputy In Charge Of Torturing The Fuck Out Of People and I’m glad to see he’s back doing what he loves. It’s such a shame to see someone’s talents go to waste and every day Salazar doesn’t torture someone is a missed opportunity. It’s like watching Michael Jordan work at Benihana: I’m sure he’d be good at it, but that’s not what Michael Jordan is here on Earth to do. Uh, Chris, you really need to be here right now?

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“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. You also wouldn’t like me any other time.”

Hope you’re enjoying your torture internship, Chris! It doesn’t come with any pay, but it’s a great opportunity to learn new skills and meet exciting people. What was that, Salazar? Chris shouldn’t talk to the hostage? I’m sure he’ll do exactly what you said and not fuck up those very simple and painfully obvious instructions.

4) How Hard Is It To Get Into Mexico?

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Have you guys ever been to Mexico? It is super easy to get into, especially coming from California. So why is Boat Sniper acting like they’re trying to sneak a school bus full of circus clowns into the Super Bowl with a pair of WNBA playoffs tickets? Also, they’re on a boat. Let’s just say there is some kind of big coastal checkpoint that requires cash to enter. You can just sail a mile or two south and I’m fairly positive you can find a place to disembark without hassle or remuneration. Getting into Mexico is easy, getting out of Mexico back into America is the hard part. I know from first-hand experience after visiting Tijuana last week for Cinco de Mayo and getting detained at the border because I was too drunk to wake up and answer questions. The last thing I remember I was getting 2 for 1 margs on the balcony of an El Torito and the next thing I know I’m waking up in the passenger seat of our rental car with Federales yelling at me to exit the vehicle. All I could do was laugh. I couldn’t help it. Everyone was so serious, and coming down on me so aggressively, and there were guns and dogs and my friend John was yelling at me to get my shit together and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I’m sorry, John. I really am. I’m glad John is able to laugh about it now because he wasn’t having any of it on the car ride back. Not even when I offered him half of my Twix bar as an edible apology. John told me that the next day he had to clean up melted Twix bar all over the rental car passenger seat because apparently I got it everywhere. Nobody told me 2016 was going to be easy, nobody said it would be this difficult either.

5) Why Is Raft Lady Mad At Hero Dad?

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First: I would like to reiterate that I don’t care about this character from the spinoff Snapchat series AMC tried to push on us. It was so dumb and I’ll never watch it, please never do a thing like that again. How do I know this series* (* = new vehicle for AMC to sell digital ads, which is OK because that’s essentially what TV is, but please just be better about it) was an awful way to introduce a new character? Because my thought process when she came on the screen last night wasn’t an enthusiastic, “Oh, not THIS bitch again!” but much more of a muted, “Wait, who is this young lady? Quite sure I’m meeting her for the first time. I wonder if anyone has sent me any new emails in the last two hours?” But why is she mad at Hero Dad?

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“I know the lighting is bad in here, but surely you can tell I’m not Strand.”

Hero Dad never did anything to hurt you, Raft Lady! In fact, I think he was the one who suggested you get dragged behind the yacht. Wouldn’t it make substantially more sense to be mad at Strand? The one who actually cut the rope? YOU GUYS, THE FANS ARE ASKING QUESTIONS AGAIN. CODE RED! SOMEONE COVER NICK IN BLOOD AND HAVE CHRIS DO SOMETHING STUPID, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

6) This Feels Like Shitty ‘Titanic’

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A doomed romance, that guy is named Jack, she kinda looks like a young Kate Winslet, and the boat they’re filming on has been safely docked off the coast of California the whole time. You’re going to have to work harder than that to fool me, you guys. This is just shitty ‘Titanic’ which is super shitty because ‘Titanic’ isn’t exactly great to begin with. I can instantly think of a dozen ways I’d rather spend three hours and one of them is a road trip with my ex and her new fiancé to Barstow in moderate traffic.

7) Nick Looks Like He’s In The Goddamn Matrix

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One shirt that fits and a table full of guns later and Nick looks like he’s fresh out of the goddamn Matrix. If Nick was given the choice between taking the red pill and taking the blue pill he would take both pills and then ask if there were any more pills lying around. Can you chill, Nick? Like holy shit, you’re actually freaking me out. DID YOU REALLY JUST UPLOAD THIS PHOTO TO YOUR MYSPACE, NICK?!? I’m about to report you to the local authorities and skip school tomorrow. I’m going to die one day, but it’s not going to be in Mrs. Keller’s homeroom math class if I have anything to say about it.

8) Of Course Chris Talked To This Asshole

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You had ONE JOB, Chris! And it was a super easy job! All you had to do was not say anything. Lots of people do this job all the time, they’re called mimes and they’re somehow more liked and respected than you. The minute Salazar told Chris not to talk to the guy, it was so clear and apparent Chris was going to fuck that up. Salazar should’ve hit him with, “Whatever you do, talk to him a lot and make bad choices,” and Chris would’ve done the opposite and been good for once just like that Seinfeld episode where George does the opposite and finally clicks with the universe. Seinfeld was such a good show, this show should do Seinfeld stuff more often. So many opportunities for shrinkage jokes out on the open ocean!

9) Of Fucking Course Chris Blew It Shooting That Asshole

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A room full of people processing what a world-class fuckup Chris is.

So not only was Chris unable to accomplish the very basic task of not talking to this guy. He then takes it upon himself to ruin the one bargaining chip they have to get Hero Dad and Alicia back. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he couldn’t even murder him right! DUDE IS TIED DOWN TO A CHAIR! YOU ARE SHOOTING AT HIM POINT BLANK, CHRISTOPHER! GAH! Time for some transparency: The actor who plays Chris (Lorenzo Henrie) followed me on Twitter last week and I was a little concerned it might censor my art (using that term facetiously before you start to get petty in the comments, I know these articles are garbage) knowing he’s reading these. But it won’t! I promise I will keep ripping on Chris until he finally does something right. BECAUSE I AM A GODDAMN JOURNALIST WITH INTEGRITY* (* = I qualify for a press badge to Comic-Con) and I won’t be censored! Unless someone wants to pay me a bunch of money, then I’ll literally write whatever you want about anything. I’ve got bills to pay and I’m ready to sell out yesterday.

10) Weekend At Zombie’s

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Weekend At Bernie’s is a STRANGE-ASS FILM. If you’ve never seen it, all you need to know is it’s a movie where two dudes haul a corpse around a party for a couple of days and everyone is presumably on too much cocaine to notice. So needles to say I was stoked when they decided to do some Weekend At Bernie’s shit last night.

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“THIS SEEMS LIKE A VERY CHILL EXCHANGE.”

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“I AGREE. NOTHING COULD GO WRONG AND THE BURLAP SACKS DON’T MAKE IT ALL FEEL UNNECESSARILY SKETCHY.”

How long, exactly, has the zombie apocalypse been going on at this point? Was there some kind of global memo for everyone to immediately distrust everyone else and start acting ruthless as hell? Because it all seems to be happening super quick! AND WHERE ARE THE BURLAP HEAD SACKS COMING FROM? “Day one of the outbreak. We need to loot the ammo store, grab some canned food, and a couple dozen burlap sacks for all the hostages we’ll be taking and subsequent hostage exchanges.”

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“My skill set has now been broadened to include having a black belt in headbutts.”

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I made this the custom album art on my iTunes for the new Radiohead album.

Travis is headbutting the shit out of this guy. Alicia is suddenly Jason Bourne jumping off of boats. Whatever. Sure! Why zombie not. Let’s wrap this thing up, it’s lunch time. Join us next week! Will Chris finally do something right? I wouldn’t exactly bet my life savings on it. Will they include yet another shot of people looking through binoculars, only to be followed immediately by a POV binocular shot which is the most corny “go back to film school, asshole” move of all time? It seems like they just can’t help themselves! Will John ever forgive me for what happened at the Mexican border? He’s finally started to come around that it’s a good story and pretty funny! I love you like a brother, John! I’d still be in Mexico if it wasn’t for you! NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S02E06 of Fear The Walking Dead!

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