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July 19, 2013

The only thing the French won't surrender is the truth behind these landmarks, which at long last I have provided for you

Luxembourg Gardens


In 2007 Edwin “Lux” Luxembourg was commissioned to build the sprawling landscape by Nicholas Sarkozy so the Prime Minister could have a scenic refuge to contemplate the ending of LOST.  It was funded by the highly controversial “baguette tax.”

Arc de Triumph


A tribute to France’s sole casualty of WWII, Pierre Triumph, who, during the Nazi occupation, fell off his bike while riding along the Seine River.  Historians say that not only was his picnic ruined, but that literally right after the picnic he was planning on going to fight the Nazis.  But due to his injury he felt it wouldn’t make any logical sense to fight the Nazis anymore. The rest of the French army also sat out of the war effort in solidarity

The Louvre (pronounced SHELF)

ImageOriginally built in 1995 as an elaborate laser tag arena for then prepubescent King Louie.  It has since been transformed into an Art Museum after Louie realized laser tag was kinda gay. 

Eiffel Tower


Built for the 1908 Worlds Fair which, that year, was awarded to Berlin.  The selection committee felt the French were trying a bit too hard by building the colossal structure, and desperation is super unattractive. The French suspect the real reason for the snub, though, was because the tower resembles a four-legged pointy dildo.

The Parisian Ferris Wheel


The world’s first Ferris wheel, it was originally powered by coal.  It is said that King Fredrick IV often received blow-jobs from his boyfriend Raul while riding the two hundred meter structure. 

Palace at Versailles


Built as the vacation home for King Fredrick and his wife Maria Antoinette, it is now a water park open only on Sunday afternoons and the morning after a full moon.

Notre DameImage

Spurred by the success of the animated Disney movie “The Hunchback of Notre Dame,” it was built in 1998 hoping to attract tourists to the area.  The effort was such a success that a private university in the United States opened to entice the same type of affluent Disney lovers.  Instead, they attracted religious types and linebackers with fake girlfriends. 

French Military Museum


A beautiful 20,000 square foot tribute to the French army, most notably relics gathered during Napoleon’s conquests.  The famous general invaded countless countries unprovoked and massacred thousands of innocents, proving once and for all that despite being five feet tall his penis seriously wasn’t small or anything.