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April 23, 2012

A description of life in the Secret Service. Protecting President Obama's life isn't all fun and games and Colombian prostitutes, you know...



Hello. I’m a Secret Service agent for incumbent President Barack Obama. Do I have a real name? Oh. Well. Wouldn’t you like to know? Yes, I do, but I won’t tell it to you for security reasons. It is all in the interest of protecting Barry, you know? I can call him that but you can’t because you don’t know him as well as I do.

You know, I really like my job. I get to wear an earpiece and cool sunglasses. I can see your eyes but you can’t see mine. It comes in very handy when stopping terrorists and playing poker. Both online and not online. But I took this job because I am a serious patriot and I get paid to be one. Which is why it really upsets me when people try to defame us or devalue the work we do protecting President Obama. 

I imagine you’ve heard about this scandal involving a Secret Service agent trying to haggle with a 24-year-old Colombian prostitute over the price of a proposed sexual encounter. I can almost assure you that I was not that agent. Many of us look alike, but it was definitely not me. You might think I am upset about this scandal, and I am, slightly, but think of it this way: The agent in question tried to get his Colombian sex encounter for cheaper than she was asking for. This proves that even employees of the Obama administration have been affected by the financial crisis, and that working with the President doesn’t necessarily make you immune to hard times.

Look, the agent in question, again, we’re not naming names here, may very well have been doing his job. Let me remind you that a very significant portion of our job is scoping out destinations for security purposes before the President arrives. I think our Secret Service team did a very thorough job investigating the area and negotiating with the Colombian citizens in that regard. It is no different than the time we went to investigate that tequila bar in Tijuana, or spent the weekend getting to know the city of Bangkok, which he very nearly went to.

I am not saying that President Obama is going to want to order a Colombian prostitute, per se, but should he have any inclination to he should be able to know that the one he is ordering is reliable, cost-effective, young, and attractive. That’s where we come in.

We do our research. Once when travelling with the President, we were concerned about a potential security breach in the state of Nevada, so we arrived the weekend before to visit Las Vegas, investigating every last gentleman’s club the city of sin had to offer. Last year, when we were in the Netherlands, we made a stop in Amsterdam, where it is socially acceptable to smoke marijuana. I am not saying the President endorses the use of illegal cannabis drugs – pass Obamacare and we’ll see – but he has done them before. Haven’t you seen that photo of him when he was younger wearing that funny hat? Should President Obama feel a sudden need to relapse into his old ways, it was our job as his security to make sure that the marijuana he was smoking was finely chopped and being sold at a decent price. We spent hours doing this, as well as wondering who in the group was the bravest and thus willing to try hash. I forget what happened the rest of the trip.

Living with the President and his family is no easy task. There are a lot of guidelines that we must enforce. First Lady Michelle Obama is a very strong, powerful, beautiful black woman, but because she is so close to Barack she is an easy target for impersonation by terrorists. This is why we in the Secret Service insist that she always wear sleeveless tops, as terrorists might wish to hide bombs inside sleeves. We often request that the shirts be white or very silky. We are working our way up to mesh. This is all in the interest of her safety.

Next, I am not saying that the President likes to watch pornographic films, but then again, he is a man. So in case he wanted something to do one day on Air Force One, I took it upon myself, personally, to pre-screen all three hours of historic, presidential, adult film “Camel Ve-Toes”. Although he declined his own screening of the film, I see no reason why I should not have been able to keep it for research or something like that.

In conclusion, yes, a member of the Obama administration may have been haggling with a 24-year-old Colombian prostitute trying to pay her significantly less for a sexual encounter because he didn’t have that much cash on him and his wife checks his statements, but it was most definitely not me. If you say that it was I will just say that you are a liar and have been drinking and that video looks fake. It looks like you Photoshopped it, I will continue. Well, not Photoshop, but you know what I mean, the video equivalent, it is fake is my point, I will conclude. Look, why is this even an issue? It never was during the Clinton administration, and I certainly hope it will not be one with President Gingrich.