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January 12, 2016

Ben Higgins experiments on his contestants.

This week’s magical journey begins with the ladies drinking morning mimosas in honor of delicate Ben. Twin Emily says, “Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history”. With pithy insights like this, I wonder if the twins will finally earn the status of one whole person each and stop doing all of their confessionals together. Ditsy Isla Fisher Jojo posits, “If you had a list, he checks off every single list.” These ladies can’t stop SPITTING TRUTH.

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Here’s to making out with the same dude within minutes of each other!

We finally get our first fleeting shirtless shot of Ben’s nubile body as he pulls his pants over blue briefs, further confirming my suspicions that he never watched the show because he did not work out beforehand.

“It’s not scary. It’s exciting!” Ben, the child, says in preparation for his first day of elementary school.

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Hope my cubby is next to one of my friends!

Lace: “The first night I got a little too drunk, a little too emotional. That wasn’t me.” Yeah, ok.

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If only they could see how very not crazy I am!

Lace upon being on first group date: “I am not a crazy girl at all. I am so excited I finally get a chance to get the rose and then the ring. I want it all!” I will eventually lose track of how many times this episode she says she’s not crazy.

Group Date #1 – Ben wants to bang high school chicks.

The first Group Date is at “Bachelor High” and the ladies wear crop tops while participating in a series of nonsensical high school-themed competitions.

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Principal Chris Harrison welcomes the women back to where they were three years ago.

Jojo: “I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.” Delicate Ben tries to show bravado by saying high school is where he did sports and had his first kiss, which we all know is a lie because it was in that shitty movie theater. It’s like this show thinks its audience isn’t all Mensa members.

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After I finish my tour in Afghanistan I have to do WHAT?

I guess the theme of this date is trying to make 15-year-old-Ben in Indiana’s high school wet dream come true? In science class the goal is for the girls to “make Ben’s volcano explode.” Lace fucks it up for her and Jubilee’s team. Jubilee says, “I will not murder Lace but she may tactfully disappear.” Jubilee is going hard in the paint and Jubileaving-it-all-on-the-field.

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Making Ben’s love volcano explode.

In the “lunch competition” the women bob for apples and almost make out with each other.

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So high school.

Both Virgin Becca and Suspiciously-Joyful-Lauren H. shit-talk how Jackie has a small mouth, implying that she can’t give good blow jobs.

Ben: “If my teachers had looked this good I definitely would’ve paid more attention in class.” Say something more boring and cliché Ben.

In the geography competition, the women compete to place the state of Indiana on a US map. Jojo and Becca debate if Idaho is Louisiana or Oregon. Jojo has no fucking clue where Chicago is. She’s really growing on me. They then place Indiana horizontally near the east coast. They’re both so embarrassed as they absolutely should be.

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Oh, I thought you meant where Indiana SHOULD be.

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Yeah, you almost moved to Iowa for Chris Soules thinking it was by the ocean…

In the final competition on the track, barefoot Mandi beast-modes the hurdles to win, reminiscent of black-box-girl Jillian Anderson. The other girls are pissed that she gets the grand prize, which they deem super romantic. The reward is sitting in the back of a car, driving a loop around the dirt track.

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In the “serious” part of the group date, Becca and Ben play hoops. Ben misses a basket and blames his tight shirt. Becca says to him, “I’m in this.” My watching group and I have decided she must be super hot in person because we don’t get it at all.

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Like, why.

In Lace’s confessional, she describes how last night Ben “got a different Lace that I didn’t want him to see.” Lace’s lisp makes her always sound drunk. She apologizes to Ben saying, “I didn’t mean to come off negative or whatever I came off as.” Then fills in his words that she came off as “Crazy, right?” They’re gripping hands as she says, “I’m not that person and I don’t want you to see that person and I’m not that.” How many times is she going to tell him she’s not crazy?! Lace reads this bizarre interaction as eye-fucking.

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Going to steal this opening line.

Jubilee opens up to Ben that she was adopted at age 6 from Haiti so they make out. When Jubilee gets back, Lace asks if she “sucked his face” and bitches about not having enough time. Amber and Jojo high-five that they’ve had no time with Ben. Lace says, “These bitches can suck it,” and goes to steal Ben back from LB.

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Classic Amber.

Ben brings Jojo to the roof: “this is my special location.” The helipad? I thought his special location would be in a tree house surrounded by action figures.

Caila’s Date with Ben, Ice Cube, and Kevin Hart

When Caila gets the solo date card, Olivia is pissed. Olivia (23) is supposedly a year younger than Caila (24) but she seems 15 years older. Ice Cube and Kevin Hart prep Ben by having a very awkward scripted conversation about girls’ reactions to Ben being broke.

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A true double threat.

The girls watch the four of them leave. Kevin Hart: “I don’t know why you all are clapping. He just started the car!” Kevin Hart’s also never seen the show. Screaming cheers when you are pissed off is ESSENTIAL.

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They hired a Latino actor to stand holding roses on the side of the road.

Ice Cube tries to get Ben to buy hard liquor and condoms on the date. Ben: “We have different styles.” No shit. The date at the hot tub store is almost as awkward as the Costco date from Soules’ season. With this black box are they implying Kevin Hart took his dick out in the hot tub with them? Ice Cube thinks he helped Ben “Close that deal—whatever that deal is for him.” Ice Cube also suspects delicate Ben is holding onto his V-card and might be shooting for hand-holding.

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Ride Along III: Drunk cock-blocking.

Later, Ben and Caila go to a set dressed as a restaurant and he asks her some standard job interview questions. Caila brings up #unlovable and Ben vaguely refers to some crazy bitches roller coasters he has dated. Ben loves Caila because he can “talk life” with her.

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Can we get back to that major red flag for just a sec?

Ben is wearing a leather jacket. A leather jacket is wearing Ben. They awkwardly dance in front of some musician named Amos Lee who looks like Nick Kroll.

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Not famous Amos.

Caila (re: possibility of Ben being #unlovable): “There’s not a snowball’s chance in you-know-where.” Did she never learn H-E-double-hockey-sticks at least? She and Ben are perfect for each other. They can put dollars in their swear jar and maybe their down-there-parts will touch one day when they get married.

Group Date #2: The Love Lab

The women are greeted by “Dr. Love’s” face on an iPad on a stick, which Sam thinks is a robot. They go into a “science room” where extras wear lab coats and look interested in computers. Dr. Love explains they are doing physical experiments to see if the women are compatible with Ben. There’s a snowball’s chance in hell he is an actual doctor. The twins admit they don’t know much about science. One says, “I’m not very smart.” I barely have to do anything but transcribe this episode.

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Cube desks = authentic science

Dr. Love blindfolds Ben and makes him do a pheromones test by smelling the womens’ sweaty waists. Shushanna’s first English words on the show are worrying if she smells like cabbage? Ben calls Sam’s smell “sour” and this leads to Sam’s downward spiral, despite Dr. Love’s reassurance that sweet and sour sauce is a good thing in some Asian meals.


Ben sours on sour Sam.

For the next test, the girls all have to wear these weird skimpy white outfits like they are in some low budget sci-fi porno. Dr. Love straps Ben and the women with Google Glasses and little heat detectors. He tells them to “lie back on the bed and put your hand on each other’s hearts.”Olivia dirty talks Ben to get her scores up. She then fucks around with all the other girls’ heads, which is awesome.

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Love Lab results are instantaneous.

Sam gets the lowest score because Ben can smell her sad backstory. The doctors the producers give Olivia the highest score. Later, Ben and Olivia make out and Olivia feels heat in her stomach for him.

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The face of a woman with stomach heat.

Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda tells Ben about her two daughters, Kinsley and Charlie. Ben says the “two little kiddos” don’t scare him and he kisses her. Did her voice become like that because she was raising children during her own formative years?

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Mommy just stripped down for “science” on national TV!

Ben smells Sam again to try to make her feel better. Shushanna tells Ben she came to America with $400, one pair of jeans, two shoes, and two bottles of vodka. Why aren’t they giving us more Shushanna details?

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Whaaaahhh?!?! Not even with that outfit?!

Sam: “If I got the rose tonight it would mean that science doesn’t mean that much!” Yes, that’s exactly what that would mean. Olivia shuts her down: “Well, if Ben is a big believer in science then I would be a little concerned.”

Olivia gets the group date rose: “I don’t know what rose ceremonies are, really… Olivia Higgins… It’s mine. Let’s just end the show now.” Please let her be the next Bachelorette.

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I don’t even know what rose ceremonies are, like can someone explain this to me? Is that like a people-that-smell-bad thing?

Not to burst anyone’s bubble if they were going to try out that new date idea, but Love Lab Industries doesn’t exist.

Cocktail Party

Jubilee: “Tonight it’s kind of like, survival of the fittest. Get in where you fit in.” Not sure Jubilee has mastered that phrase yet.

Olivia’s not going to “rest her laurels on ‘I have a rose.’” Rest on your laurels! Ugh. When she grabs Ben, Ben might be wasted and yells, “Wazzzupppp” like the Budweiser commercial from 1999, which luckily is before these women were born so it’s super fresh. Olivia thanks Ben for “showing her his space and giving her butterflies.” The other girls are calling her Rose Olivia and Jubilee calls her “a selfish bitch.” When Olivia comes back she says, “So now I’m done. Everybody have at it. I hope you can respect that.” I think Lace is going home soon so the producers are scrambling for new villain.

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I know how y'all are into sloppy seconds.

Lace pulls Olivia out for their own one-on-one time. Lace: “You did that knowing girls will react. I’m scared I won’t get a rose tonight.” Olivia (condescendingly): “It’s hard. Good luck.” I would be ok if this season were entirely conversations between Lace and Olivia.

Lace grabs Ben. Lace: “I know I’m coming off a little crazy to you. I’m a lot to handle. I was very dorky looking as a kid. My Dad called me Roseanne. My brothers said they didn’t know me on the school bus.” Jesus Christ. Later, Jekyll/Hyde Lace does not think it went well because she let “that insecure Lace come out” that she tries to shove down deep.

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LB: “Idk about this whole thing.”

Ben gives Mom Amanda the gift of making rose barrettes for her two daughters, Kinsley and Charlie. He probably feels bad for the daughters because of their shitty names.

Rose Ceremony

Sam is nervous that her putrid smell will kill her chances and she’s right. LB QUITS. Usually people only quit if they think they’re already going home, with the one exception of the best Bachelor contestant of all time, Sharleen. You have to spend the six weeks in isolation anyway,why not stick with the show and drink your bodyweight in champagne? Ben gives roses to Sexy-Baby-Voice Amanda, War Vet Jubilee, Lauren B.land, Football Leah,Virginal Becca, Unemployed Rachel, Psycho Lace, Jennifer, Twin Emily, Jami, Suspiciously-Joyful-Lauren H., Cabbage Shushanna, Twin Haley, and living-on-LB’s-borrowed-time Amber.

Ben’s already having a hard time with sending people home: “They gave up a lot to be here. They came to meet me. Like, that’s incredible. Now I’m gonna have to ask them to leave? It just doesn’t make sense.” What?

Upcoming scenes: Jubilee thinks she’s Queen Bee? Rachel and Shushanna crying?! I’ve actually come to terms with the possibility of Lace imploding and going home since Olivia is stepping up to the villain plate. If Bachelor has taught us anything it’s that villains gotta vill.

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